CLASSIC BATTLETECH CATALYST game labs

Here we are, the first part.

Turn On the Lights (It’s unhealthy to read without them you know)

Episode 1: BattleTech: A Day In The Life
From the desk of Falchion

You probably already know the spiel already but here they are just in case.
BattleTech and its assorted trademarks are owned by Wizkids, no matter what other people say. All songs or things of that sort belong to their respective creators and trademark holders. All this previously mentioned material is for recreational purposes only. “BattleTech: A Day In The Life” is property of someone who’s long since dropped off the radar and if he happens upon this, you shouldn’t take it seriously. Just think of it as great fun and another form of C&C!

Oh, and for you sticklers for canon details, *THPPPPT*. I know that it’s supposed to be Castle Brian but “Brian Cache” rhymes better.

BattleTech Science Theater 3000 Theme:

In the far distant future
Last Sunday 2750
There lived a guy named Aleksandr
Not so different from you or me.
He commanded the SLDF
THE man in the gray jumpsuit
He did a great job liberating Terra
But the Lords hated him
So they locked him in a Brian Cache!

We'll send badly written field reports
The worst we can find
He'll have to go and review them
While we monitor his mind.

Now keep in mind that Aleksandr
Can't tell when the reports begin or end
He traded those components for some special friends

Roll Call:
Aleksandr (BEGINS!)
Nicholas (I AM THE WOLF!)
Katyusha (Aleks? Nicky? Where’s Andery? Oh, and STOP SHOUTING!)
DeChevilier (I'm gonna die aren't I?)
AMAAARIS! (Why am I stuck with him?!)

If you wonder how Alek eat and breathes and other fun lostech facts.
Remember they're locked in a Brian Cache
So you should really just sit back and relax
For BATTLETECH SCIENCE THEATER 3000!

Nicholas: But it's only 2750!


-Brian Cache 2501-Sigma Wing-

“Day One of the ordeal.” Stefan Amaris spoke quietly into the tape recorder. “I am currently locked in a Brian Cache with the great General Aleksandr Kerensky. Dear God, what did I do to deserve this?”

Amaris suddenly cringed at the sound of the General’s voice, “Amaris! Where in the blazes are you?”

The footsteps got closer as the SLDF General walked nearer to Amaris’ hiding place. Curled under the work desk, Amaris wasn’t really hidden, just well covered. They had just been escorted by gunpoint into the Rocky Mountains Cache yesterday and it seemed that the Kerensky family was already all rested up and ready to do whatever the Successor Lords demanded. Well, at least Nicholas was. The little tyke was bouncing off the walls like a ferret on pixie sticks.

“Ah, there you are! No need to hide, the T!Ch!R! are calling.” Aleksandr poked his head under the desk.

“Wait, the T!Ch!R! meaning?”

Aleksandr sighed, “I’ll tell you as we walk. There was a Twentieth-century writer by the name of John Ringo...” The two walked slowly through the corridor.

-Brian Cache 2501-Command Center-

“Ah, there you are honey. I finally got Nicholas to take his Ritalin.” An already haggard Katyusha Kerensky met the duo.

The command center was sparsely furnished, with cardboard boxes and packing material still decorating the place. A massive holotank dominated the nominal center of the room. Picking the central seat, Aleksandr gestured to Aaron to press the flashing red button. The holotank suddenly sprang to life with the image of the five Successor Lords grinning evilly down at them.

“Err, what ever happened wasn’t my fault. Heck, I’m supposed to be dead as a door knob!” Amaris was starting to sweat profusely at the sight of five angry-looking people in robes.

-Hilton Head-

“Hello Kerensky. I suppose you’ve found some thing in the Cache worthy of our attention?” Lord Liao spoke first.

-Brian Cache 2501-Command Center-

“Why yes my Lords. Katyusha, if you would?” Aleksandr gestured grandly to the tarp covered object next to the holotank.

With a flourish, Katyusha pulled off the plastic covering to reveal a thing. It looked sinister enough that most wouldn’t see the little percolator attached at the bottom of it.

Aaron launched into the sales pitch, “GentleLords, do your territorial disputes take too long? Are your MechWarriors so tired during the fights? Well, here’s something for them! It’s a-”

Aleksandr finished the statement with a cheerful smile, “Handy Dandy ‘Mech-grade Cappuccino Maker!” Looking at the Successor Lords, he continued, “We found that this baby amongst the other neat stuff in the R&D lab, it can be reshaped for any ‘Mech cockpit. It gives your pilots the quicker picker-upper that they need for that edge on the battlefield!”

-Hilton Head-

Lord Steiner cut in, “Oh, yes and where’s the heating coming from dummkopf? Weapons fire?”

-Brian Cache 2501-Command Center-

“Why no! This also revolutionizes heatsink technology, it draws waste heat from the fusion core with each shot fired. So your soldiers have reason to fire more often, thus shortening such regretful conflicts!” Aleksandr finished.

-Hilton Head-

“Well, isn’t that just keen? Well General, we’ve got something real nice for you and the guys.” Lord Marik commented, grinning evilly at the five. “It’s a semi-short called ‘BattleTech: A Day In The Life’ or something of that sort.”

“Ja. Enjoy it. Or don’t” Lord Steiner’s comment ended with a groan as Lord Kurita for no apparent reason kidney punched the Germanic Successor Lord. Looking back to the soldier and child, Lord Kurita gestured to Lord Davion to send them the field report. After recovering slightly, Lord Steiner spoke again. “Oh, and you should heading for the theater.” But then Lord Kurita rose up behind him with a folding chair. It took the combined efforts of the other Lords and the Trusty Jerry Blake to pry the remains of the metal chair out of Kurita’s hands.

-Brian Cache 2501-Command Center-

“Wow, and they called us violent.” Amaris said. “And I didn’t know we had a theater.”

Suddenly all of the buttons on all of the boards started to flash. “WE’VE GOT um, bad reports? Yeah, that should so it, BAD FIELD REPORT SIGN!” Aleks shouted as they rushed hastily toward the theater. He also hurriedly shouted, “Katyusha, stay in the command center, make sure that they don’t shut off our oxygen while we’re inside!”

Door Sequence:
(Door 1: Boxes of autocannon ammunition are in you way. Good thing you have an Urbanmech.)
(Door 2: A group of Rim Worlds League soldiers stand in the way, a flamer works well despite Stefan’s protests.)
(Door 3: A lance of Star League ‘Mechs stand in your way, General Kerensky steps up and they let you pass after saluting and complaining that they didn’t get a chance to get some of them Rim Worlds soldiers.)
(Door 4: The door lifts up slightly, then it moves to the right, and the left, and you get the point. While the door continues dancing, you sneak quietly behind it.)
(Door 5: A DropShip bay door falls forward, missing you and your ‘Mech by inches)
(Door 6: An experimental jumpcore starts up as you near it. You’re suddenly jumped to the theater, along with a good chunk of the floor.)

(The four enter the theater, Aleksandr in the middle with Nicholas on his lap, Aaron on the left and Amaris on the right.)

Aaron: So boss man, any idea what’s going to happen?
Aleksandr: Nope, not the foggiest.
Amaris: Shut it you two. The report’s starting.

>BattleTech: A Day In The Life

Nicholas: ...of a Death Commando.
Aleks: Um, son? I think you’ve been watching too much Immortal Warrior.

>==============================1=================================

Aaron: o/~ Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh o/~
Amaris: o/~ Trying to dodge the autocannons as we go o/~
Aaron: Awww, you’re ruining the song. Besides, it doesn’t rhyme!
Amaris: Bite. Me.
Nicholas: I think someone forgot his happy blue pills today...

>You've got to be kidding me.

Aaron: I kid you not good sir! You are the REAL Star Lord!

>You want sixty MILLION for that thing?!

Amaris: Nah, just enough for my next fix.
Nicholas: Fix? What does ‘fix’ mean Daddy?
Aleksandr: Um, I’ll tell you later son. Oh, and to a particular renegade, Katyusha’ll break you in half when she finds out you’re teaching our son about drugs.

>That's the price of a brand new
>one!?

Aaron: No sir! That’s the price of the consultant you’ll need to explain all the paperwork I’m going to be putting you through!

>The agitated man stood about sixty centimeters over the smaller merchant,

Aleksandr (Man): Only because he was *agitated* mind you.
Amaris: Could we get a size comparison here? Come on, are they midgets of varying size or something?

>and the merchant probably weighed about twenty kilos more than the man.

Aleksandr: We switched the merchant out with an Elemental. Let’s see if he can tell the difference.
Amaris: Did that have anything to do with anything there Kerensky?
Aleksandr: No, not really. Just something random.
Amaris: Thought so.

> He appeared to be living quite well, and did not need cash as badly as he lead the man on to believe.
Aaron (merchant): Yes, well, I have liquid retention you know. It’s not like everyone’s so bracingly regular as you are.

>The man was Derek Newland, the owner of a yet-to-be-named mercenary company. At only one >member (himself), it was a very small mercenary unit.

Nicholas: Yo mercenary unit so small that we need a magnifying glass to see your stall at Galatea!
Aleksandr: Errm, Son? Anachronism I think.

>?ife is rough,

Aaron: So rough that we can’t afford a proper ‘L’ and we had to use a question mark!

>and I need the money. Not happy with it? Shop somewhere else.?BR>

Amaris: What?

>?unny...

Aaron: We’ve got another shortage of letters again.
Aleksandr: Odd, I would have thought punctuation would be more expensive than letters.
Amaris: No, I think you’re referring to telegrams. And how would you remember that? What century do you live in anyway?
Nicholas: Eighteenth
Amaris: Eeep

>I always pictured people in need of cash as in need of food too.

Amaris: Me too. But maybe it’s just a minor shortage of money. Ever consider that?

>You appear to be just the opposite.?BR>

Aaron: Oy, that thing again? What is that thing anyway?
Aleksandr: The author trying to communicate?
Nicholas (Mask): I think he’s trying to communicate.

>The shorter merchant bristled at the remark, and shot Derek a withering glare.

Nicholas (Derek): Oh Gods! I’m withering! You put herbicide in the air didn’t you? I’m really sensitive to that stuff! Oh, I’m withering, melting, withering...
Amaris: Yes! Derek’s dead! We don’t have anything else to comment on!
Aleksandr: If I didn’t know it was you talking, I’d comment that you were dark.

>?ine. Do your business somewhere elsewhere.?BR>

Aaron: A shortage *and* a failure to communicate! A record gentlemen and gentlechildren!

>Derek stormed off, irked by the merchant's attempt at a swindle.

Nicholas: Y’know, sixty mil a pop isn’t all that expensive for a DropShip.
Aleksandr: Well, son, not everyone can requisition a DropShip or JumpShip on a whimsy. Not everyone’s military.

>The Leopard class dropship was just what he needed. Measuring just over sixty five meters long, close >to fifty two wide, and around twenty two tall

Amaris: This is suspiciously sounding like some really BIG lady’s measurements.
Nicholas: What do you mean by ‘measurements’?
(Aleksandr gets up and throttles Amaris for once again not keeping his comments clean.)
Amaris: *gack* Okay, okay, Uncle! *urk*

>, it was small, fast, and (relatively) cheap.

Aaron: I stand by the kid’s statement.

>The one in question was an older one, but it would still perform as needed.

Amaris: Perform, yeah. Perform. Heh heh he- (Aleksandr starts to get out of his seat) -eep.

>Derek had estimated it's value at around thirty million C-bills, which he could afford and have enough

Aleksandr: ...left over for a nice Handy Dandy ‘Mech-grade Cappuccino Maker!

>left over for a K-1 Dropshuttle, crew payment, and fuel. Both the fighter bays, and one of the four >'mech bays had been converted into cargo holds, which would have worked rather well.

Aaron: Now if he could only get rid of those pesky kids...

>Derek sighed as he walked along the road back to his small civilian hovercraft, which would take him

Aaron: o/~ ...on a highway to Hell o/~
Aleksandr: Um, Aaron? I don’t think we’re supposed to be cursing here.
Aaron: ‘Hell’ isn’t a curse. Well not per se really.

>to the 'mech bay where his hundred ton Devastator was stored. BattleMechs, lords of the modern

Nicholas: ...bed and bathroom!
Aaron: Don’t go anywhere else before you try the *BattleMech* experience! You’ll find that it makes all the difference!
Aleksandr: Wit’ our special ferro-fibrous tile, you’ll feel like da king!
Amaris: Is Aleks here supposed to regress into a ‘gangsta’ style of speech?
Aaron: No, not really... Why?
Amaris: Because he is.
Aaron: Uh-oh
(Aaron reaches over and force-feeds Aleksandr some pills)
Amaris: What was that?
Aaron: Anti-rapper pills, don’t ask.

>battlefield, weighed anything from ten to one hundred tons.

Nicholas: The hundred ton ones tended to be the ones in need of a diet.

>They stood anywhere from ten meters tall, to twenty or twenty one.

Nicholas: Still doesn’t explain the weight problem.

>Even the smallest was armored enough to withstand attacks from a squadron of conventional tanks, and

Amaris: CHIBIS!
Nicholas: Daddy? What are chibis?
Aelksandr: *sigh* Ask Lord Kurita if you have time. I’m sure he will explain that to you son.

>contained enough firepower to wipe out a city block.

Aaron (‘Mech designer): One city block. Only a city block. Yes, that shall be my limitation to those poopyhead jocks!

>Located in the heart of Solaris VII ?

Aleksandr: Solaris VII? Are you sure? Well, then be more decisive silly ‘Mechjock!
Amaris ( Scared ‘Mechjock): Y-y-y-yes s-s-s-sir!

>or the gaming planet, as most called it

Aleksandr: MOST? Come along now, BE MORE DECISIVE!
Aaron: Uh-oh. Did anyone remember if he brought his happy pills?
Amaris: Let me guess, he has more neuroses and other mental disorders than there are listed in an up-to-date medical text?
Aaron: Uh, yeah.
Amaris: Hold on, (rummages in his pockets) will my blue pills work?
Aaron: I think so. Is he frothing at the mouth yet, Nick?
Nicholas: (Looks up, and realizes his hair is covered in froth) Yep.
Aaron: Just in time then. (Reaches over and force feeds another dose into Aleksandr who promptly keels over.) Whew, another crisis re-
Amaris: I don’t think he’s breathing.
Aaron: Well then, time for some Klingon-certified CPR! (Gets up and starts stomping on Aleksandr’s chest. Reaches down for a pulse, finds one and sits back down.) There we go.
Amaris: Shouldn’t we help him up?
Aaron: Nah, he’ll get up sooner or later.

>- the 'mech bays were very busy places. Due to the constant upkeep of all the 'mechs fighting in the >arenas, there were always people running back and forth with parts, schedules, and most importantly,

Amaris: Booze! Can’t have a proper fight unless the fighters are well lubricated well in advance y’know!
(Aleksandr crawls back into his seat.)
Aleksandr: Ow, did Aaron step on me?

>paperwork. Crews from the press, hospitals, and mechanic companies were always strewn about the >place, trying to get an in-depth exclusive, bandage up the loser, or fix one last circuit so that the >MechWarrior waiting could get back to the fight.
Aaron: Oh, yes. Because *everyone* just needs to get back to a deathtrap right?

>On his way back to one of the 'mech bays, he heard some thunder in the distance. ? perfect end to a perfect day.? He sighed, as he walked along.

Aleksandr: I have it! The author’s replacing the quotation marks customary to enclose a sentence with question marks!

>The thunder seemed to have an odd rhythmic sound to it,

(Nicholas and Amaris suddenly pull out a full drum set and start banging away)
Aleksandr: Amaris, you’re a really bad influence on Nicky. But more importantly, where did you two get the drum set?

> like a large person walking. Or... a BattleMech.

Aleksandr: Okay everyone: the “Or...” Game! Thirty seconds, GO!
Aaron: ...a machine that goes *bling*!
Nicholas: ...a giant walking machine!
Aaron: ...a one-man army!
Amaris: ...a two-man army!
Nicholas: ...a supply convoy!
Aleksandr: ...a guy with really big feet!
Amaris: ...a yeti!
Nicholas: ...a-
Aleksandr: Thirty seconds are up! Thank you for playing!
Nicholas: Awww, I wanted to add something.

>He darted outside the gate, and looked in the direction of the sound. Sure enough, a small ?

Aleksandr: Still indecisive?

>weighing in at twenty tons - but dangerous Locust made it's way, slowly, towards the merchant. Derek

Amaris: Decided to perform the better part of valor and hightailed it.

>jumped into his hovercar, and flew back to the gate of the merchant's warehouse.

Aaron: SPROING!
Aleksandr: CRASH!
Amaris: AIIIEEEEE!

>Derek parked it outside, and ran up to the merchant.

>?hange your mind already??BR> ?

Aaron: About what, your ability to speak impossible things?

>ot as such.
Amaris: ‘ot as such?’ Is he a Cockney man or something?
Nicholas: ‘E flew the coop guv’nor!

> Do you hear that??BR>

Aaron: What? Impossible to pronounce words?

> ?eah, what a nice change in the weather too.?BR> ?ook around carefully. There aren't any clouds in the sky.?BR>

Amaris: Oh really? I hadn’t notied with all of those ‘BR>’s that you’re putting down.

>The man looked around, and became visibly whiter.

>?t must be Val!?BR> ?riend of yours??BR> ? owe him some money... that's why I need to sell this

Aleksandr: Radio that my boss didn’t want to see again!

>Leopard.?BR> ?ell you what... Why don't you re-evaluate the cost of that dropship, and I'll see if I can

Aaron (Derek): ...pay for it.

>get him to leave you alone.?BR> ?o way!?BR>
>The building was shaking now, and the merchant paled some more.

>?ome on... do you really want to be a smear on the pavement??BR>

Aleksandr (Merchant): Why, yes. Yes I do.

>The merchant turned even whiter, and trembled a bit.

>?ow about forty million??BR> ?h, I don't know... I'm sure I could find someone willing to be more

Aleksandr (Derek): ...*lenient* when it comes to regulations. Savvy?

>competitive than that.?BR> ?hirty??BR> ? might be able to swing that... It's been an awfully hard year

Nicholas (Farmer): Boy, it’s been a *hard* year, Bessie the snake up and dying, the crops ravaged by flying lawyers, and whatnot.

>for me though.?BR> ?wenty five! And that's as low as I go!?BR> ?ou have yourself a deal.? Derek >pulled a noteputer out of his pocket. ?nd it's on record too, no changing your mind now.?BR>

Aaron: Wow, is it me or is this guy a true merc? He’s not even going to help a man in need?

>The Locust had apparently paused in it's advance, making sure no one was sneaking up on it. Derek

Amaris: ...decided to sneak up on it.
Aleksandr (Derek): Sneaky feet, padding feet, sneaky feet, padding feet, silent feet, squeaky sole- hey!

>jumped into his hovercar, and sped away for the 'mech bays. They were only a klick away, and he >arrived there in record time.

Amaris: That is, only after he was pulled over twice for speeding. This still is Solaris VII, and there still are laws.
Aaron: Odd, I have this feeling that Derek’s a godboy.
Aleksandr: Derek? Once you mention it, I did see something on the Prometheus relays about a ‘Derek Croft’ or ‘DJ Croft’ figure from the twentieth, twenty-first century.
Nicholas: What’s a ‘godboy’?

> He swarmed up the ladder into his Devastator,

Amaris: I have this disturbing image of lots of little Derek insectoids crawling up the ‘Mech.

>powered the reactor,

Amaris: Whaaaaat? Shouldn’t it be ‘powered *up* the reactor’?

> and made for the merchant's warehouse.

>The Locust pilot was just about to break through the wall, when he apparently picked up Derek's radar signature.

Aaron: Only apparently? What, does Derek have Schrodinger’s ‘Mech?
Amaris: (Locust pilot) Is the ‘Mech here or is it not here? Hmmm...

>?his matter doesn't concern you, go away.?BR>

Nicholas (Frodo Baggins): We don’t need you any more Sam.

>Derek's Devastator wasn't an ordinary one, though you couldn't tell by first glance. He had taken out all >of the medium lasers

Aleksandr: We’ve replaced his medium lasers with Folgers Crystals. Let’s see if he can tell the difference.

>in favor of more armor and more heat sinks.

Nicholas: And an espresso machine!
Aleksandr: You mean the Handy Dandy ‘Mech-grade Cappuccino Maker!

>He also replaced the standard Gauss rifles with Clan tech ones, and added capacitor banks onto the >standard Donal Particle Projection Cannons, which added 50% to both the damage and the heat >generated. The result was a tougher, more deadly, and cooler running 'mech. He proceeded to charge

Aaron: ...the Locust. Truly under matched.
Amaris: Indeed, Derek never stood a chance... (Shakes head)

>the capacitors on one of his PPCs.

All: (PPC capacitor) BLING!

Amaris (Derek): Is the PPC supposed to make a sound like that?
Aleksandr (Technician): Why, yes! It means that your ‘Mech has just given birth to a healthy battle armor. The *bling* noise indicates that it is still alive.
Katyusha (Over loudspeaker): I have no idea why I haven’t taken those ‘Monty Python’ tapes away from you...

>The Locust pilot, at this point, turned his 'mech to face Derek's.

Aaron: EXTREME TURNING ACTION!

>The Locust appeared to be a very old one, possibly pre-dating the 3rd succession war.

Aleksandr: And that’s old why?
Nicholas (Locust): You young whippersnappers these days. Always about your new targeting computers and ECM. Why back in my day we lined our shots up by dead reckoning, and our ECM was just tinfoil over the cockpit.

>No doubt his scanner hadn't been able to identify Derek's 'mech, because it hadn't existed when the >scanner was produced.

Aelksandr: And I suppose *updating* the computer is out of the question?

>The pilot froze, as did his 'mech. Derek leveled the PPC at him, and opened the radio frequency again.

>?ee this PPC??BR> ?-y-yeah.?BR> ? added a capacitor bank onto it myself. Are you aware of what that >does??BR> ?-y-yes s-s-sir.?BR> ?ood. Your Locust will not withstand a single blast of it. And it's >currently aimed at your center torso. Would you care to leave, please??BR>

Aaron (Derek): Before the author corrodes my speach patterns any fuuurther. Oh daymne

>The Locust pilot didn't even bother to answer. He performed a rapid about-face, and pushed the throttle

Nicholas: ...out of the cockpit?

>to the limit.

Nicholas: Ah.

>The one thing notable about Locusts is the incredible

Amaris: TURNING ACTION!
Aleksandr: What do you know! The fic was kind enough to lead the joke!

>speed which they can achieve. It was gone from view, and Derek's scanners, within a minute.

>Derek walked his Devastator towards the warehouse which contained the Leopard class dropship. He

Amaris: ...then accidentally discharged the PPC that he’d just charged up. The results were pretty messy to say the least.
Aleksandr: And the Port Authority are still seeking him for questioning about that inconvenient ‘Mech-sized hole in the wall and the smoking ruin that was a Leopard-class DropShip.

>carefully stepped over the walls, and parked his 'mech near the entrance. The merchant was already >waiting there, shaking, with a folder full of papers. Derek authorized the transfer of money, and the >merchant handed him the paper work for operation the ship.

Aaron: Wow, that trusting? Did Derek even receive DropShip piloting training? Not to mention, how did he do all of this without getting out of his cockpit?
Aleksandr: Nah, it’s just because he’s a godboy.

>?ice doing business with you, and oh, sorry 'bout the mess.?

Amaris: Oh dear God! Derek’s a Valley girl.
Nicholas: You mean Valley ‘boy’ right?
Amaris: No. I refuse to recognize his gender specification now.

>Derek said as he climbed the ladder to his Devastator's cockpit.

Aaron: Yes, the cockpit that he didn’t climb out of in the first place.

>Upon getting there, he realized he didn't even know the man's name. Now I just need a crew to fly the

Nicholas (Luke Skywalker): ...pile of junk!

>thing he thought to himself. Leopards usually needed a crew of nine, but

Aaron: Knowing Derek, he’s probably able to run everything because he’s a *godboy*

>you could get away with two or three, as long as you made preparations ahead of time. Three was a

Nicholas: ...lucky number. Unless you happened to be from Betelgeuse XI. Then it was unlucky. Very unlucky.

>much safer bet than two, however.
>
>Better look to hire some people Derek thought. I don't want to waste the money on this dropship, and >crash it myself on it's first trip.

Amaris: Please! Crash it so we can get out of here!

>He made his way back to the 'mech bays, only to find that his place had been lost. Rather than argue >with someone about who had taken it, which would be pointless, he simply waited around for another >half hour till another one became free.



More coming right up!

Here's a bit of the second part. I'm still wokring on it but here it is:

Turn On the Lights (It’s unhealthy to read without them you know)

Episode 1: BattleTech: A Day In The Life Part 2
From the desk of Falchion

You probably already know the spiel already but here they are just in case.
BattleTech and its assorted trademarks are owned by Wizkids, no matter what other people say. All songs or things of that sort belong to their respective creators and trademark holders. All this previously mentioned material is for recreational purposes only. “BattleTech: A Day In The Life” is property of someone who’s long since dropped off the radar and if he happens upon this, you shouldn’t take it seriously. Just think of it as great fun and another form of C&C!

Oh, and for you sticklers for canon details, *THPPPPT*. I know that it’s supposed to be Castle Brian but “Brian Cache” rhymes better.

BattleTech Science Theater 3000 Theme:

In the far distant future
Last Sunday 2750
There lived a guy named Aleksandr
Not so different from you or me.
He commanded the SLDF
THE man in the gray jumpsuit
He did a great job liberating Terra
But the Lords hated him
So they locked him in a Brian Cache!

We'll send badly written field reports
The worst we can find
He'll have to go and review them
While we monitor his mind.

Now keep in mind that Aleksandr
Can't tell when the reports begin or end
He traded those components for some special friends

Roll Call:
Aleksandr (BEGINS!)
Nicholas (I AM THE WOLF!)
Katyusha (Aleks? Nicky? Where’s Andery? Oh, and STOP SHOUTING!)
DeChevilier (I'm gonna die aren't I?)
AMAAARIS! (Why am I stuck with him?!)

If you wonder how Alek eats and breathes and other fun lostech facts.
Remember they're locked in a Brian Cache
So you should really just sit back and relax
For BATTLETECH SCIENCE THEATER 3000!

Nicholas: But it's only 2750!

Door Sequence:
(Door 1: Boxes of autocannon ammunition are in you way. Good thing you have an Urbanmech.)
(Door 2: A group of Rim Worlds League soldiers stand in the way, a flamer works well despite Stefan’s protests.)
(Door 3: A lance of Star League ‘Mechs stand in your way, General Kerensky steps up and they let you pass after saluting and complaining that they didn’t get a chance to get some of them Rim Worlds soldiers.)
(Door 4: The door lifts up slightly, then it moves to the right, and the left, and you get the point. While the door continues dancing, you sneak quietly behind it.)
(Door 5: A DropShip bay door falls forward, missing you and your ‘Mech by inches)
(Door 6: An experimental jumpcore starts up as you near it. You’re suddenly jumped to the theater, along with a good chunk of the floor.)

(The three enter the theater, Aleksandr in the middle, Aaron on the left and Amaris on the right.)

Aleksandr: Ah, now where we?

>He watched her arm snap out, and hit the sword flat on the side.
>
>The pilot of the Gurkha cursed in shock.

Amaris: SHOCK!

>His hand actuators were no match for that kind of strain,

Amaris: STRAIN!

>and the sword went flying

Amaris: FLYING!
(Aaron whacks Amaris on the head)
Aaron: Quiet you, we’re only partially through the fic so far, save the rest for later.

>from his grasp. Iskander cut her jets abruptly, and in a surprisingly smooth maneuver, did a bone-jarring >shoulder roll to where the sword landed.

Aleksandr: Wait a second here, she did a smooth bone-jarring shoulder roll? Isn’t that self-contradictory?
Aaron: And you’d think that the armor on her shoulder would have collapsed under those 45 or so tons being pressed against it?

>She picked it up with her 'mech's right hand, and turned the face the Gurkha. Seething with rage,

Amaris: RAGE!
(Aaron whacks Amaris again)
Aaron: What did I say?

>she pointed the sword tip at him,

Aleksandr: (Iskander) I am Iskander Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die.

>and walked her 'mech forward, slowly.

Amaris: (author) Okay, she did this slowly see? Really slow now, not fast but slow.

>
>The Gurkha pilot was frozen.

Aaron: Yet another reason why liquid nitrogen cooling systems in ‘Mechs never caught on.
Aleksandr: (Pilot) Oh no! I’m frozen!

>He simply didn't know what to do.

Aleksandr: (Pilot) Oh no! I don’t know what to do!

>It wasn't supposed to happen this way.

Aleksandr: (Pilot) Oh no! It’s not supposed to happen this way!
Aaron: All due respect sir, but shut up. Please.

>Finally, his mind came out of shock, and registered that the Phoenix Hawk had his sword now.

Aaron: (Pilot) Now wait a second, I don’t have a sword and she has a sword. You know, her sword looks exactly like mine. I think I’ll go over and ask if that’s my sword. Say, Miss? Is that my sword?
Amaris: (Iskander) Why yes, yes it is. Here, you can have it back now.
Aleksandr: Crunch.
Aaron: (Pilot) AIEEE!

>He walked his 'mech backwards as fast as he could manage, but he had stalled too long.

Amaris: But his ‘Mech is too close to the ground and there is no room to pull up! Will our intrepid pilot escape his demise? Tune in next time for another breathtaking episode of BattleTech Mystery Theater!
Aleksandr: Cool, we have to get something like that soon.

>
>Iskander accelerated her 'mech to it's impressive top speed of 98 kilometers per hour,

Aleksandr: *Yawn* Nicholas can run faster than that.

>and charged the Gurkha.

Aaron: (Phoenix Hawk) Seventy-three C-bills, not including tax.
Aleksandr: (Gurkha) D’oh, I should’ve switched to Geico!

>When she was within striking distance, she lashed out with her left foot, catching him square in the knee. >The Gurkha ungainly fell on it's side, and rolled over on it's back.

Aleksandr: Bad grammar rears it’s hideous face again.

>Iskander towered over him, raised the sword, and pointed the tip downwards at the cockpit of the >Gurkha.
Aaron: (Pilot) Boy, heh, heh, that sword looks really pointy from here...

>The Gurkha pilot stared in fear. Unable to do anything to avoid the sword,

Amaris: Hmm, het’s have a look at the Gurkha. (Pulls out a datapad) Hmm, PPC, small lasers, and a sword. Seems to be a heat hog like most other ‘Mechs... Well, he could just twist his torso just a bit and there wouldn’t be a problem save a busted shoulder actuator if he’s unlucky.

>he could only watch as the tip of it filled his vision, before hitting the cockpit glass.

Aaron: Boink. The sword bounces off.
Aleksandr: (Pilot) Thank you inferior sword materials! Thank you!

>Then he saw no more.

Amaris: (Pilot) I’m BLIND! I’M BLIND!

>
>==============================3=================================

Aleksandr: This is Interstate 3.
Amaris and Aaron: o/~ Dashing through the snow, in a three horse open sleigh o/~

>
>Derek sat outside the arenas in a bar named ?ady Luck? If his guess was right, this was where all the >people who lost bets came to drink after the fights.

Aaron: But that’s just up to old Lady Luck now isn’t it?

>He ordered one of his favorite drinks, aptly named a PPC,

Amaris: (Bartender) Are you sure you want this? I mean are you really sure? Okay, here’s my liquor license so take a gander. Still sure, okay kiddo, your funeral.

>and stared into it while thinking.

Aleksandr: (Chuckles) Isn’t there a law against that?
Aaron: (Replicates sound of alarms and straining machinery)

>The blue surface of the drink seemed to wink back at him every now and then, catching the lighting from >the ceiling.

Aaron: Is it really the *drink* winking back at him or is it something more insidious? More evil? Could it be the abyss?
(Amaris clubs Aaron with a seat cushion)
Amaris: Quiet.

>
>This Iskander person would be perfect to complete my unit he thought to himself. Or... start it, at least. >He heard a commotion outside, and quickly swallowed his drink.

Aleksandr: But in Soviet Russia, the drink swallows you!

>The trick to it was you couldn't hardly let it touch your mouth; whatever it touched would quickly go >numb, including your brain when it finally made it's way up there.

Amaris: Okay, PPCs now have my total respect. It’s an alcohol that actually seeps up through the tissues of the skull and then actually pickles your brain.
Aaron: Well it would explain why they’re sold in little shot glasses...
Aleksandr: Had a PPC before, feels like a lime wrapped around a silver ingot is bashing your head in.

>
>Derek heard some glass shatter, and decided to check out what was going on. As he walked out the front >door, he noticed two things: one, that a fight was obviously in progress, and two,

Amaris: ...he was barefoot and stepping on the broken glass.

>that the aggressors belonged to the 'stable' for which the man in the Gurkha fought.
>
>There were four people facing down Iskander. Two more were on the ground, and appeared to be >unconscious.

Aaron: (Voltaire) Pretending I *think* to be dead...

>Of the four still functional, one had a knife, the other a metal pipe, and the last two were simply going >hand to hand.

Aleksandr: Wait, with each other?
Amaris: They’re ‘going hand to hand’. Does the author have any idea how disturbing that sounds when taken out of context?

>Iskander stood in the middle of a loosely formed circle, crouched into a fighting stance, with her arms >and hands held in front of her.

Aleksandr: (Hums Street Fighter II theme)
Aaron: Well I’d suppose her hands *would* be held in front of her if her arms were held in front of her.

>
>Derek knew from stories he had heard, both informational

Aaron: Is that even a real word?

>and somewhat fabricated, that Clan warriors, if indeed she was one, could more than hold their own >against superior numbers.

Amaris: (Iskander) Foolish freebirths, even if you brought five more of the Inner Sphere’s best, you would still be outnumbered twenty to nine.

>But he still wasn't willing to stand by and let these men beat ?or try at least ?her into a pulp.
>
>No one seemed to have noticed him yet, so Derek took advantage of that. He sneaked up

Aaron: Sneaked? I’m pretty sure it should be ‘snuck’ in the case.

>behind the one he deemed most dangerous;

Aleksandr: The one with the rubber chicken?
Amaris: No, the one with the bottle of vintage 2070 Cabernet Sauvignon.
Aleksandr: The one with a Japanese nuclear bomb.
Aaron: The IRS man?
Aleksandr: (Shudders) That’s a little too far.

>the one with the knife.

Amaris: I still say it’s the man with the wine bottle.

>He quickly secured his arm around the man's neck, and used his other hand as leverage to make the >choke more effective, and hopefully catch the blood supply to the brain.
>
>It wasn't immediate, but had the desired result. In approximately four seconds the man crumpled to the >ground, dropping the knife.

Aaron: Isn’t that a bit hazardous? You know, what with the knife pointing up?
Amaris: But don’t you remember, we all must focus on Derek here. None of these puny mortals deserve our attention.

>Derek kicked it into the gutter on the side of the street, and faced down the one who noticed him.

Aleksandr: (Deep voice) A new challenger has arrived.

>The other two were still absorbed with Iskander, and she with them.

Aleksandr: (Tom Lehrer) o/~ I love she and she loves me, enraptured are the both of we o/~

>
>The one who noticed him was holding the pipe, made probably of lead.

Amaris: Uh huh, lead. Riiiight...

>You could find them at any junkyard, or trash heap, and not a soul in the world would care if you stole >one.

Amaris: Because we don’t use lead in piping anymore! It’s a freaking dangerous substance!
Aleksandr: Calm down Stefan, calm down...
Amaris: I’m calm, I’m calm.

>He smacked the pipe against the palm of his hand, hoping to intimidate Derek. Derek simply widened his >stance a little bit, and kept his arms at his sides.

Aaron: Definitely a godboy, who else wouldn’t attack immediately?

>>Whoever this guy was, he didn't know the first thing about fighting. He lunged at Derek, and raised the >pipe high over his head to strike.

Amaris: (Man) HIDA SMASH!

>Derek grabbed the pipe arm at the wrist, tucked under, and added his own considerable force to the man's >forward momentum. The result was this: the pipe-wielder not only had his feet picked up off the ground, >but his entire body as well. The direction of his charge, combined with Derek's throw, landed him right >into the side of the bar. He slid down the wall, and crumpled into a heap on the ground.

Aaron: Yay! Judo action!
Aleksandr: FINISH HIM.

>
>The last two men, and Iskander herself noticed Derek's presence at this point,

Aleksandr: (Iskander) Oh, it’s you freebirth. Bother off, surat pup.

>and the two men started feeling a lot less confident about their odds of winning this fight. As such, they >both looked at each other, and sprinted for the nearest exit.
>
>Derek turned to face Iskander, and made a deep, formal bow.

Amaris: While making the bow, he failed to notice her knee smashing into his gut, doubling him over wherein she then started to beat about the legs, knees, arms and head.

>She merely regarded him with cold steel-gray eyes. ?his fight was mine!? she spat at him.

Aaron: Woohoo! Loogie time!
(All spit at the screen)

>?ou had no right to interfere with my duel!? Having expected that sort of reaction, he showed no surprise >at all.

Aaron: Ah yes, because he’s a godboy see?

>
>?uel? I always thought a duel was between two people.

Aleksandr: Nah, that’s an old concept. The new concept is no-hold-barred fighting.
Aaron: Really?
Aleksandr: (Leans back and stretches his arms behind him) Yep, that’s what we do in the Clans.

>?BR> ?hat is irrelevant.

Amaris: (Iskander) For I am Eight of Nine of the Borg. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
Aleksandr: Don’t you mean ‘Marsupillimated’?

>They started this fight, and I had every intention of finishing it.?BR> ?he street is hardly a place to >uphold the honors and etiquette of fighting. They were using superior numbers to beat you, not skill. >Therefore, I thought that I might even the odds a little bit.

Aaron: But you said so yourself godboy, no skill. She could have easily taken them on with her ‘mighty Clanner skills’ right?

>
>Her gaze softened a little bit, and she raised herself fully upright. Iskander then returned the bow, and >straightened back up. Derek had answered (having read the finer points of Clan structure and society) in >a manner to keep her honor intact.

Aleksandr: (Horrible Japanese Accent) You have dishonored yourself! Hara-kiri! Now!

>
>?hank you, warrior. Might I have your name??BR> Derek smiled. ?'m Lieutenant Derek Newland. I

Amaris: (Derek) ...wanna bone ya!
Aleksandr: Amaris...

>actually own a small mercenary company.? He noted her look of disgust when he stated that, but she said >nothing. ?mm.. it's actually very small, I'm the only member of it.

Aaron: (Derek) Well, that was because of this friendly fire incident, heh, heh.

>I'm looking for more people, if you're interested.?BR>
>Iskander again regarded him with cold eyes, however Derek could see that she was clearly debating the >idea in her mind.

Aaron: (Takes out a checklist) Mind reading powers, another godboy talent.
Aleksandr: Where’d you get that checklist?
Aaron: Shhh, it’s a secret.

>?efore you think about it too hard, I think we should probably make ourselves scarce.? Upon seeing her >confusion, he added ?aw enforcement types don't take kindly to fights, though this wasn't our doing.?BR>
>She nodded, surveyed her handiwork along with Derek's, and managed a small smile.

Amaris: Ooo, how nice! Some delicate lace doilies! I’ve always wanted one of these!
Aleksandr and Aaron: (Look at him) Riiiight...

>?lright then Derek, lead, and I shall follow.? They both climbed into Derek's hovercar, and left for the >'mech bays.

And for the first 'Chapter' of the fic:

Door Sequence:
(Door 1: Boxes of autocannon ammunition are in you way. Good thing you have an Kraken.)
(Door 2: A group of Rim Worlds League soldiers stand in the way, a flamer works well despite Stefan’s protests.)
(Door 3: A lance of Star League ‘Mechs stand in your way, General Kerensky steps up and they let you pass after saluting and complaining that they didn’t get a chance to get some of them Rim Worlds soldiers.)
(Door 4: The door lifts up slightly, then it moves to the right, and the left, and you get the point. While the door continues dancing, you sneak quietly behind it.)
(Door 5: A DropShip bay door falls forward, missing you and your ‘Mech by inches)
(Door 6: An experimental jumpcore starts up as you near it. You’re suddenly jumped to the theater, along with a good chunk of the floor.)

(The four enter the theater, Aleksandr in the middle with Nicholas on his lap, Aaron on the left and Amaris on the right.)

Aaron: So boss man, any idea what’s going to happen?
Aleksandr: Nope, not the foggiest.
Amaris: Shut it you two. The report’s starting.

>BattleTech: A Day In The Life

Nicholas: ...of a Death Commando.
Aleks: Um, son? I think you’ve been watching too much Immortal Warrior.
Katyusha: (Loudspeaker) YOU"VE BEEN LETTING HIM WATCH IMMORTAL WARRIOR?
Aleksandr: Err...Oops?

>==============================1=================================

Aaron: o/~ Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh o/~
Amaris: o/~ Firing our autocannons as we go, dodging the DESP.... o/~
Aaron: Awww, you’re ruining the song. Besides, it doesn’t rhyme!
Amaris: Bite. Me.
Nicholas: I think someone forgot his happy blue pills today...

>You've got to be kidding me.

Aaron: I kid you not good sir! You are the REAL Star Lord!

>You want sixty MILLION for that thing?!

Amaris: Nah, I want sixty million just for my next fix.  It'll cost you extra for 'that thing'
Nicholas: Fix? What does ‘fix’ mean Daddy?
Aleksandr: Um, I’ll tell you later son. By the way Amaris, Katyusha’ll break you in half when she finds out you’re teaching our son about drugs.

>That's the price of a brand new
>one!?

Aaron: No sir! That’s the price of the consultant you’ll need to explain all the paperwork I’m going to be putting you through!

>The agitated man stood about sixty centimeters over the smaller merchant,

Aleksandr (Man): Only because he was *agitated* mind you.
Amaris: Could we get a size comparison here? Come on, are they midgets of varying size or something?

>and the merchant probably weighed about twenty kilos more than the man.

Aleksandr: We switched the merchant out with an Elemental. Let’s see if he can tell the difference.
Amaris: Did that have anything to do with anything there, Kerensky?
Aleksandr: No, not really. Just something random.
Amaris: Thought so.

> He appeared to be living quite well, and did not need cash as badly as he lead the man on to believe.

Aaron (merchant): Yes, well, I have liquid retention you know. It’s not like everyone’s so bracingly regular as you are.

>The man was Derek Newland, the owner of a yet-to-be-named mercenary company. At only one member (himself), it was a very small mercenary unit.

Nicholas: Yo mercenary unit so small that we need a magnifying glass to see your stall at Galatea!
Aleksandr: Errm, Son? Anachronism I think.  And who taught you to speak.....AMARIS....
Amaris: It wasn't me!

>?ife is rough,

Aaron: So rough that we can’t afford a proper ‘L’ and we had to use a question mark!

>and I need the money. Not happy with it? Shop somewhere else.?BR>

Amaris: What?

>?unny...

Aaron: We’ve got another shortage of letters again.
Aleksandr: Odd, I would have thought punctuation would be more expensive than letters.
Amaris: No, I think you’re referring to telegrams. And how would you remember that? What century do you live in anyway?
Nicholas: Eighteenth
Amaris: Eeep

>I always pictured people in need of cash as in need of food too.

Amaris: Me too. But maybe it’s just a minor shortage of money. Ever consider that?

>You appear to be just the opposite.?BR>

Aaron: Oy, that thing again? What is that thing anyway?
Aleksandr: The author trying to communicate?
Nicholas (Mask): I think he’s trying to communicate.

>The shorter merchant bristled at the remark, and shot Derek a withering glare.

Nicholas (Derek): Oh Gods! I’m withering! You put herbicide in the air didn’t you? I’m really sensitive to that stuff! Oh, I’m withering, melting, withering...
Amaris: Yes! Derek’s dead! We don’t have anything else to comment on!
Aleksandr: If I didn’t know it was you talking, I’d comment that you were dark.

>?ine. Do your business somewhere elsewhere.?BR>

Aaron: A shortage *and* a failure to communicate! A record gentlemen and gentlechildren!

>Derek stormed off, irked by the merchant's attempt at a swindle.

Nicholas: Y’know, sixty mil a pop isn’t all that expensive for a DropShip.
Aleksandr: Well, son, not everyone can requisition a DropShip or JumpShip on a whimsy. Not everyone’s military.

>The Leopard class dropship was just what he needed. Measuring just over sixty five meters long, close >to fifty two wide, and around twenty two tall

Amaris: This is suspiciously sounding like some really BIG lady’s measurements.
Nicholas: What do you mean by ‘measurements’?
(Aleksandr gets up and throttles Amaris for once again not keeping his comments clean.)
Amaris: *gack* Okay, okay, Uncle! *urk*

>, it was small, fast, and (relatively) cheap.

Aaron: I stand by the kid’s statement.

>The one in question was an older one, but it would still perform as needed.

Amaris: Perform, yeah. Perform. Heh, heh, he- (Aleksandr starts to get out of his seat) -eep.

>Derek had estimated it's value at around thirty million C-bills, which he could afford and have enough

Aleksandr: ...left over for a nice Handy Dandy ‘Mech-grade Cappuccino Maker!

>left over for a K-1 Dropshuttle, crew payment, and fuel. Both the fighter bays, and one of the four >'mech bays had been converted into cargo holds, which would have worked rather well.

Aaron: Now if he could only get rid of those pesky kids...

>Derek sighed as he walked along the road back to his small civilian hovercraft, which would take him

Aaron: o/~ ...on a highway to Hell o/~
Aleksandr: Um, Aaron? I don’t think we’re supposed to be cursing here.
Aaron: ‘Hell’ isn’t a curse. Well not per se really.

>to the 'mech bay where his hundred ton Devastator was stored. BattleMechs, lords of the modern

Nicholas: ...bed and bathroom!
Aaron: Don’t go anywhere else before you try the *BattleMech* experience! You’ll find that it makes all the difference!
Aleksandr: Wit’ our special ferro-fibrous tile, you’ll feel like da king!
Amaris: Is Aleks here supposed to regress into a ‘gangsta’ style of speech?
Aaron: No, not really... Why?
Amaris: Because he is.
Aaron: Uh-oh
(Aaron reaches over and force-feeds Aleksandr some pills)
Amaris: What was that?
Aaron: Anti-rapper pills, don’t ask.

>battlefield, weighed anything from ten to one hundred tons.

Nicholas: The hundred ton ones tended to be the ones in need of a diet.

>They stood anywhere from ten meters tall, to twenty or twenty one.

Nicholas: Still doesn’t explain the weight problem.

>Even the smallest was armored enough to withstand attacks from a squadron of conventional tanks, and

Amaris: CHIBIS!
Nicholas: Daddy? What are chibis?
Aleksandr: *sigh* Ask Lord Kurita if you have time. I’m sure he will explain that to you son.

>contained enough firepower to wipe out a city block.

Aaron (‘Mech designer): One city block. Only a city block. Yes, that shall be my limitation to those poopyhead jocks!

>Located in the heart of Solaris VII ?

Aleksandr: Solaris VII? Are you sure? Well, then be more decisive silly ‘Mechjock!
Amaris ( Scared ‘Mechjock): Y-y-y-yes s-s-s-sir!

>or the gaming planet, as most called it

Aleksandr: MOST? Come along now, BE MORE DECISIVE!
Aaron: Uh-oh. Did anyone remember if he brought his happy pills?
Amaris: Let me guess, he has more neuroses and other mental disorders than there are listed in an up-to-date medical text?
Aaron: Uh, yeah.
Amaris: Hold on, (rummages in his pockets) will my blue pills work?
Aaron: I think so. Is he frothing at the mouth yet, Nick?
Nicholas: (Looks up, and realizes his hair is covered in froth) Yep.
Aaron: Just in time then. (Reaches over and force feeds another dose into Aleksandr who promptly keels over.) Whew, another crisis re-
Amaris: I don’t think he’s breathing.
Aaron: Well then, time for some Klingon-certified CPR! (Gets up and starts stomping on Aleksandr’s chest. Reaches down for a pulse, finds one and sits back down.) There we go.
Amaris: Shouldn’t we help him up?
Aaron: Nah, he’ll get up sooner or later.

>- the 'mech bays were very busy places. Due to the constant upkeep of all the 'mechs fighting in the >arenas, there were always people running back and forth with parts, schedules, and most importantly,

Amaris: Booze! Can’t have a proper fight unless the fighters are well lubricated well in advance y’know!
(Aleksandr crawls back into his seat.)
Aleksandr: Ow, did Aaron step on me?

>paperwork. Crews from the press, hospitals, and mechanic companies were always strewn about the >place, trying to get an in-depth exclusive, bandage up the loser, or fix one last circuit so that the
>MechWarrior waiting could get back to the fight.

Aaron: Oh, yes. Because *everyone* just needs to get back to a walking deathtrap right?

>On his way back to one of the 'mech bays, he heard some thunder in the distance. ? perfect end to a perfect day.? He sighed, as he walked along.

Aleksandr: I have it! The author’s replacing the quotation marks customary to enclose a sentence with question marks!

>The thunder seemed to have an odd rhythmic sound to it,

(Nicholas and Amaris suddenly pull out a full drum set and start banging away)
Aleksandr: Amaris, you’re a really bad influence on Nicky. But more importantly, where did you two get the drum set?

> like a large person walking. Or... a BattleMech.

Aleksandr: Okay everyone: the “Or...” Game! Thirty seconds, GO!
Aaron: ...a machine that goes *bling*!
Nicholas: ...a giant walking machine!
Aaron: ...a one-man army!
Amaris: ...a two-man army!
Nicholas: ...a supply convoy!
Aleksandr: ...a guy with really big feet!
Amaris: ...a yeti!
Nicholas: ...a-
Aleksandr: Thirty seconds are up! Thank you for playing!
Nicholas: Awww, I wanted to add something.

>He darted outside the gate, and looked in the direction of the sound. Sure enough, a small ?

Aleksandr: Still indecisive?

>weighing in at twenty tons - but dangerous Locust made it's way, slowly, towards the merchant. Derek

Amaris: Decided to perform the better part of valor and hightailed it.

>jumped into his hovercar, and flew back to the gate of the merchant's warehouse.

Aaron: SPROING!
Aleksandr: CRASH!
Amaris: AIIIEEEEE!

>Derek parked it outside, and ran up to the merchant.

>?hange your mind already??BR> ?

Aaron: About what, your ability to speak impossible things?

>ot as such.
Amaris: ‘ot as such?’ Is he a Cockney man or something?
Nicholas: ‘E flew the coop guv’nor!

> Do you hear that??BR>

Aaron: What? Impossible to pronounce words?

> ?eah, what a nice change in the weather too.?BR> ?ook around carefully. There aren't any clouds in the sky.?BR>

Amaris: Oh really? I hadn’t notied with all of those ‘BR>’s that you’re putting down.

>The man looked around, and became visibly whiter.

>?t must be Val!?BR> ?riend of yours??BR> ? owe him some money... that's why I need to sell this

Aleksandr: Radio that my boss didn’t want to see again!

>Leopard.?BR> ?ell you what... Why don't you re-evaluate the cost of that dropship, and I'll see if I can

Aaron (Derek): ...pay for it.

>get him to leave you alone.?BR> ?o way!?BR>
>The building was shaking now, and the merchant paled some more.

>?ome on... do you really want to be a smear on the pavement??BR>

Aleksandr (Merchant): Why, yes. Yes I do.

>The merchant turned even whiter, and trembled a bit.

>?ow about forty million??BR> ?h, I don't know... I'm sure I could find someone willing to be more

Aleksandr (Derek): ...*lenient* when it comes to regulations. Savvy?

>competitive than that.?BR> ?hirty??BR> ? might be able to swing that... It's been an awfully hard year

Nicholas (Farmer): Boy, it’s been a *hard* year, Bessie the snake up and dying, the crops ravaged by flying lawyers, and whatnot.

>for me though.?BR> ?wenty five! And that's as low as I go!?BR> ?ou have yourself a deal.? Derek >pulled a noteputer out of his pocket. ?nd it's on record too, no changing your mind now.?BR>

Aaron: Wow, is it me or is this guy a true merc? He’s not even going to help a man in need?

>The Locust had apparently paused in it's advance, making sure no one was sneaking up on it. Derek

Amaris: ...decided to sneak up on it.
Aleksandr (Derek): Sneaky feet, padding feet, sneaky feet, padding feet, silent feet, squeaky sole- hey!

>jumped into his hovercar, and sped away for the 'mech bays. They were only a klick away, and he >arrived there in record time.

Amaris: That is, only after he was pulled over twice for speeding. This still is Solaris VII, and there still are laws.
Aaron: Odd, I have this feeling that Derek’s a godboy.
Aleksandr: Derek? Once you mention it, I did see something on the Prometheus relays about a ‘Derek Croft’ or ‘DJ Croft’ figure from the twentieth, twenty-first century.
Nicholas: What’s a ‘godboy’?

> He swarmed up the ladder into his Devastator,

Amaris: I have this disturbing image of lots of little Derek insectoids crawling up the ‘Mech.

>powered the reactor,

Amaris: Whaaaaat? Shouldn’t it be ‘powered *up* the reactor’?

> and made for the merchant's warehouse.

>The Locust pilot was just about to break through the wall, when he apparently picked up Derek's radar signature.

Aaron: Only apparently? What, does Derek have Schrodinger’s ‘Mech?
Amaris: (Locust pilot) Is the ‘Mech here or is it not here? Hmmm...

>?his matter doesn't concern you, go away.?BR>

Nicholas (Frodo Baggins): We don’t need you any more Sam.

>Derek's Devastator wasn't an ordinary one, though you couldn't tell by first glance. He had taken out all >of the medium lasers

Aleksandr: We’ve replaced his medium lasers with Folgers Crystals. Let’s see if he can tell the difference.

>in favor of more armor and more heat sinks.

Nicholas: And an espresso machine!
Aleksandr: You mean the Handy Dandy ‘Mech-grade Cappuccino Maker!

>He also replaced the standard Gauss rifles with Clan tech ones, and added capacitor banks onto the >standard Donal Particle Projection Cannons, which added 50% to both the damage and the heat generated.   >The result was a tougher, more deadly, and cooler running 'mech. He proceeded to charge

Aaron: ...the Locust. Truly under matched.
Amaris: Indeed, Derek never stood a chance... (Shakes head)

>the capacitors on one of his PPCs.

All: (PPC capacitor) BLING!

Amaris (Derek): Is the PPC supposed to make a sound like that?
Aleksandr (Technician): Why, yes! It means that your ‘Mech has just given birth to a healthy battle armor. The *bling* noise indicates that it is still alive.
Katyusha (Over loudspeaker): I have no idea why I haven’t taken those ‘Monty Python’ tapes away from you...

>The Locust pilot, at this point, turned his 'mech to face Derek's.

Aaron: EXTREME TURNING ACTION!

>The Locust appeared to be a very old one, possibly pre-dating the 3rd succession war.

Aleksandr: And that’s old why?
Nicholas (Locust): You young whippersnappers these days. Always about your new targeting computers and ECM. Why back in my day we lined our shots up by dead reckoning, and our ECM was just tinfoil over the cockpit.

>No doubt his scanner hadn't been able to identify Derek's 'mech, because it hadn't existed when the >scanner was produced.

Aleksandr: And I suppose *updating* the computer is out of the question?

>The pilot froze, as did his 'mech. Derek leveled the PPC at him, and opened the radio frequency again.
>?ee this PPC??BR> ?-y-yeah.?BR> ? added a capacitor bank onto it myself. Are you aware of what that >does??BR> ?-y-yes s-s-sir.?BR> ?ood. Your Locust will not withstand a single blast of it. And it's >currently aimed at your center torso. Would you care to leave, please??BR>

Aaron (Derek): Before the author corrodes my speach patterns any fuuurther. Oh daymne

>The Locust pilot didn't even bother to answer. He performed a rapid about-face, and pushed the throttle

Nicholas: ...out of the cockpit?

>to the limit.

Nicholas: Ah.

>The one thing notable about Locusts is the incredible

Amaris: TURNING ACTION!
Aleksandr: What do you know! The fic was kind enough to lead the joke!

>speed which they can achieve. It was gone from view, and Derek's scanners, within a minute.

>Derek walked his Devastator towards the warehouse which contained the Leopard class dropship. He

Amaris: ...then accidentally discharged the PPC that he’d just charged up. The results were pretty messy to say the least.
Aleksandr: And the Port Authority are still seeking him for questioning about that inconvenient ‘Mech-sized hole in the wall and the smoking ruin that was a Leopard-class DropShip.

>carefully stepped over the walls, and parked his 'mech near the entrance. The merchant was already >waiting there, shaking, with a folder full of papers. Derek authorized the transfer of money, and the
>merchant handed him the paper work for operation the ship.

Aaron: Wow, that trusting? Did Derek even receive DropShip piloting training? Not to mention, how did he do all of this without getting out of his cockpit?
Aleksandr: Nah, it’s just because he’s a godboy.

>?ice doing business with you, and oh, sorry 'bout the mess.?

Amaris: Oh dear God! Derek’s a Valley girl.
Nicholas: You mean Valley ‘boy’ right?
Amaris: No. I refuse to recognize his gender specification now.

>Derek said as he climbed the ladder to his Devastator's cockpit.

Aaron: Yes, the cockpit that he didn’t climb out of in the first place.

>Upon getting there, he realized he didn't even know the man's name. Now I just need a crew to fly the

Nicholas (Luke Skywalker): ...pile of junk!

>thing he thought to himself. Leopards usually needed a crew of nine, but

Aaron: Knowing Derek, he’s probably able to run everything because he’s a *godboy*

>you could get away with two or three, as long as you made preparations ahead of time. Three was a

Nicholas: ...lucky number. Unless you happened to be from Betelgeuse XI. Then it was unlucky. Very unlucky.

>much safer bet than two, however.
>
>Better look to hire some people Derek thought. I don't want to waste the money on this dropship, and
>crash it myself on it's first trip.

Amaris: Please! Crash it so we can get out of here!

>He made his way back to the 'mech bays, only to find that his place had been lost. Rather than argue
>with someone about who had taken it, which would be pointless, he simply waited around for another
>half hour till another one became free.
>

Part 2:

Turn On the Lights (It’s unhealthy to read without them you know)

Episode 1: BattleTech: A Day In The Life Part 2
From the desk of Falchion

You probably already know the spiel already but here they are just in case.
BattleTech and its assorted trademarks are owned by Wizkids, no matter what other people say. All songs or things of that sort belong to their respective creators and trademark holders. All this previously mentioned material is for recreational purposes only. “BattleTech: A Day In The Life” is property of someone who’s long since dropped off the radar and if he happens upon this, you shouldn’t take it seriously. Just think of it as great fun and another form of C&C!

Oh, and for you sticklers for canon details, *THPPPPT*. I know that it’s supposed to be Castle Brian but “Brian Cache” rhymes better.

BattleTech Science Theater 3000 Theme:

In the far distant future
Last Sunday 2750
There lived a guy named Aleksandr
Not so different from you or me.
He commanded the SLDF
THE man in the gray jumpsuit
He did a great job liberating Terra
But the Lords hated him
So they locked him in a Brian Cache!

We'll send badly written field reports
The worst we can find
He'll have to go and review them
While we monitor his mind.

Now keep in mind that Aleksandr
Can't tell when the reports begin or end
He traded those rights for some special friends

Roll Call:
Aleksandr (BEGINS!)
Nicholas (I AM THE WOLF!)
Katyusha (Aleks? Nicky? Where’s Andery? Oh, and STOP SHOUTING!)
DeChevilier (I'm gonna die aren't I?)
AMAAARIS! (Why am I stuck with him?!)

If you wonder how Alek eats and breathes and other fun lostech facts.
Remember they're locked in a Brian Cache
So you should really just sit back and relax
For BATTLETECH SCIENCE THEATER 3000!

Nicholas: But it's only 2750!

Door Sequence:
(Door 1: Boxes of autocannon ammunition are in you way. Good thing you have an Urbanmech.)
(Door 2: A group of Rim Worlds League soldiers stand in the way, a flamer works well despite Stefan’s protests.)
(Door 3: A lance of Star League ‘Mechs stand in your way, General Kerensky steps up and they let you pass after saluting and complaining that they didn’t get a chance to get some of them Rim Worlds soldiers.)
(Door 4: The door lifts up slightly, then it moves to the right, and the left, and you get the point. While the door continues dancing, you sneak quietly behind it.)
(Door 5: A DropShip bay door falls forward, missing you and your ‘Mech by inches)
(Door 6: An experimental jumpcore starts up as you near it. You’re suddenly jumped to the theater, along with a good chunk of the floor.)

(The three enter the theater, Aleksandr in the middle, Aaron on the left and Amaris on the right.)

Aleksandr: Ah, now where we?

>He watched her arm snap out, and hit the sword flat on the side.
>
>The pilot of the Gurkha cursed in shock.

Amaris: SHOCK!

>His hand actuators were no match for that kind of strain,

Amaris: STRAIN!

>and the sword went flying

Amaris: FLYING!
(Aaron whacks Amaris on the head)
Aaron: Quiet you, we’re only partially through the fic so far, save the rest for later.

>from his grasp. Iskander cut her jets abruptly, and in a surprisingly smooth maneuver, did a bone-jarring >shoulder roll to where the sword landed.

Aleksandr: Wait a second here, she did a smooth bone-jarring shoulder roll? Isn’t that self-contradictory?
Aaron: And you’d think that the armor on her shoulder would have collapsed under those 45 or so tons being pressed against it?

>She picked it up with her 'mech's right hand, and turned the face the Gurkha. Seething with rage,

Amaris: RAGE!
(Aaron whacks Amaris again)
Aaron: What did I say?

>she pointed the sword tip at him,

Aleksandr: (Iskander) I am Iskander Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die.

>and walked her 'mech forward, slowly.

Amaris: (author) Okay, she did this slowly see? Really slow now, not fast but slow.

>
>The Gurkha pilot was frozen.

Aaron: Yet another reason why liquid nitrogen cooling systems in ‘Mechs never caught on.
Aleksandr: (Pilot) Oh no! I’m frozen!

>He simply didn't know what to do.

Aleksandr: (Pilot) Oh no! I don’t know what to do!

>It wasn't supposed to happen this way.
               
Aleksandr: (Pilot) Oh no! It’s not supposed to happen this way!
Aaron: All due respect sir, shut up. Please.

>Finally, his mind came out of shock, and registered that the Phoenix Hawk had his sword now.

Aaron: (Pilot) Now wait a second, I don’t have a sword and she has a sword. You know, her sword looks exactly like mine. I think I’ll go over and ask if that’s my sword. Say, Miss? Is that my sword?
Amaris: (Iskander) Why yes, yes it is. Here, you can have it back now.
Aleksandr: Crunch.
Aaron: (Pilot) AIEEE!

>He walked his 'mech backwards as fast as he could manage, but he had stalled too long.

Amaris: But his ‘Mech is too close to the ground and there is no room to pull up! Will our intrepid pilot escape his demise? Tune in next time for another breathtaking episode of BattleTech Mystery Theater!
Aleksandr: Cool, we have to get something like that soon.

>
>Iskander accelerated her 'mech to it's impressive top speed of 98 kilometers per hour,

Aleksandr: *Yawn* Nicholas can run faster than that.

>and charged the Gurkha.

Aaron: (Phoenix Hawk) Seventy-three C-bills, not including tax.
Aleksandr: (Gurkha) D’oh, I should’ve switched to Geico!

>When she was within striking distance, she lashed out with her left foot, catching him square in the knee.
>The Gurkha ungainly fell on it's side, and rolled over on it's back.

Aleksandr: Bad grammar rears it’s hideous face again.

>Iskander towered over him, raised the sword, and pointed the tip downwards at the cockpit of the
>Gurkha.

Aaron: (Pilot) Boy, heh, heh, that sword looks really pointy from here...

>The Gurkha pilot stared in fear. Unable to do anything to avoid the sword,

Amaris: Hmm, het’s have a look at the Gurkha. (Pulls out a datapad) Hmm, PPC, small lasers, and a sword. Seems to be a heat hog like most other ‘Mechs... Well, he could just twist his torso just a bit and there wouldn’t be a problem save a busted shoulder actuator if he’s unlucky.

>he could only watch as the tip of it filled his vision, before hitting the cockpit glass.

Aaron: Boink. The sword bounces off.
Aleksandr: (Pilot) Thank you inferior sword materials! Thank you!

>Then he saw no more.

Amaris: (Pilot) I’m BLIND! I’M BLIND!

>
>==============================3=================================

Aleksandr: This is Interstate 3.
Amaris and Aaron: o/~ Dashing through the snow, in a three horse open sleigh o/~

>
>Derek sat outside the arenas in a bar named ?ady Luck? If his guess was right, this was where all the >people who lost bets came to drink after the fights.

Aaron: But that’s just up to old Lady Luck now isn’t it?

>He ordered one of his favorite drinks, aptly named a PPC,

Amaris: (Bartender) Are you sure you want this? I mean are you really sure? Okay, here’s my liquor license so take a gander. Still sure, okay kiddo, your funeral.

>and stared into it while thinking.

Aleksandr: (Chuckles) Isn’t there a law against that?
Aaron: (Replicates sound of alarms and straining machinery)

>The blue surface of the drink seemed to wink back at him every now and then, catching the lighting from >the ceiling.

Aaron: Is it really the *drink* winking back at him or is it something more insidious? More evil? Could it be the abyss?
(Amaris clubs Aaron with a seat cushion)
Amaris: Quiet.

>
>This Iskander person would be perfect to complete my unit he thought to himself. Or... start it, at least.
>He heard a commotion outside, and quickly swallowed his drink.

Aleksandr: But in Soviet Russia, the drink swallows you!

>The trick to it was you couldn't hardly let it touch your mouth; whatever it touched would quickly go
>numb, including your brain when it finally made it's way up there.

Amaris: Okay, PPCs now have my total respect. It’s an alcohol that actually seeps up through the tissues of the skull and then actually pickles your brain.
Aaron: Well it would explain why they’re sold in little shot glasses...
Aleksandr: Had a PPC before, feels like a lime wrapped around a silver ingot is bashing your head in.

>
>Derek heard some glass shatter, and decided to check out what was going on. As he walked out the front
>door, he noticed two things: one, that a fight was obviously in progress, and two,

Amaris: ...he was barefoot and stepping on broken glass.

>that the aggressors belonged to the 'stable' for which the man in the Gurkha fought.
>
>There were four people facing down Iskander. Two more were on the ground, and appeared to be
>unconscious.

Aaron: (Voltaire) Pretending I *think* to be dead...

>Of the four still functional, one had a knife, the other a metal pipe, and the last two were simply going >hand to hand.

Aleksandr: Wait, with each other?
Amaris: They’re ‘going hand to hand’. Does the author have any idea how disturbing that sounds when taken out of context?

>Iskander stood in the middle of a loosely formed circle, crouched into a fighting stance, with her arms >and hands held in front of her.

Aleksandr: (Hums Street Fighter II theme)
Aaron: Well I’d suppose her hands *would* be held in front of her if her arms were held in front of her.

>
>Derek knew from stories he had heard, both informational

Aaron: Is that even a real word?

>and somewhat fabricated, that Clan warriors, if indeed she was one, could more than hold their own
>against superior numbers.

Amaris: (Iskander) Foolish freebirths, even if you brought five more of the Inner Sphere’s best, you would still be outnumbered twenty to nine.

>But he still wasn't willing to stand by and let these men beat ?or try at least ?her into a pulp.
>
>No one seemed to have noticed him yet, so Derek took advantage of that. He sneaked up
Aaron: Sneaked? I’m pretty sure it should be ‘snuck’ in the case.

>behind the one he deemed most dangerous;

Aleksandr: The one with the rubber chicken?
Amaris: No, the one with the bottle of vintage 2070 Cabernet Sauvignon.
Aleksandr: The one with a Japanese nuclear bomb.
Aaron: The IRS man?
Aleksandr: (Shudders) That’s a little too far.

>the one with the knife.

Aleksandr: (Australian) You call that a knife mate?
Amaris: I still say it’s the man with the wine bottle.

>He quickly secured his arm around the man's neck, and used his other hand as leverage to make the
>choke more effective, and hopefully catch the blood supply to the brain.
>
>It wasn't immediate, but had the desired result. In approximately four seconds the man crumpled to the
>ground, dropping the knife.

Aaron: Isn’t that a bit hazardous? You know, what with the knife pointing up?
Amaris: But don’t you remember, we all must focus on Derek here. None of these puny mortals deserve our attention.

>Derek kicked it into the gutter on the side of the street, and faced down the one who noticed him.

Aleksandr: (Deep voice) A new challenger has arrived.

>The other two were still absorbed with Iskander, and she with them.

Aleksandr: (Tom Lehrer) o/~ I love she and she loves me, enraptured are the both of we o/~

>
>The one who noticed him was holding the pipe, made probably of lead.

Amaris: Uh huh, lead. Riiiight...

>You could find them at any junkyard, or trash heap, and not a soul in the world would care if you stole
>one.

Amaris: Because we don’t use lead in piping anymore! It’s a freaking dangerous substance!
Aleksandr: Calm down Stefan, calm down...
Amaris: I’m calm, I’m calm.

>He smacked the pipe against the palm of his hand, hoping to intimidate Derek. Derek simply widened his
>stance a little bit, and kept his arms at his sides.

Aaron: Definitely a godboy, who else wouldn’t attack immediately?

>>Whoever this guy was, he didn't know the first thing about fighting. He lunged at Derek, and raised the
>pipe high over his head to strike.

Amaris: (Man) HIDA SMASH!

>Derek grabbed the pipe arm at the wrist, tucked under, and added his own considerable force to the man's
>forward momentum. The result was this: the pipe-wielder not only had his feet picked up off the ground,
>but his entire body as well. The direction of his charge, combined with Derek's throw, landed him right
>into the side of the bar. He slid down the wall, and crumpled into a heap on the ground.

Aaron: Yay! Judo action!
Aleksandr: FINISH HIM.

>
>The last two men, and Iskander herself noticed Derek's presence at this point,

Aleksandr: (Iskander) Oh, it’s you freebirth. Bother off, surat pup.

>and the two men started feeling a lot less confident about their odds of winning this fight. As such, they >both looked at each other, and sprinted for the nearest exit.
>
>Derek turned to face Iskander, and made a deep, formal bow.

Amaris: While making the bow, he failed to notice her knee smashing into his gut, doubling him over wherein she then started to beat about the legs, knees, arms and head.

>She merely regarded him with cold steel-gray eyes. ?his fight was mine!? she spat at him.

Aaron: Woohoo! Loogie time!
(All spit at the screen)

>?ou had no right to interfere with my duel!? Having expected that sort of reaction, he showed no surprise
>at all.

Aaron: Ah yes, because he’s a godboy see?

>
>?uel? I always thought a duel was between two people.

Aleksandr: Nah, that’s an old concept. The new concept is no-hold-barred fighting.
Aaron: Really?
Aleksandr: (Leans back and stretches his arms behind him) Yep, that’s what we do in the Clans.

>?BR> ?hat is irrelevant.

Amaris: (Iskander) For I am Eight of Nine of the Borg. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
Aleksandr: Don’t you mean ‘Marsupillimated’?

>They started this fight, and I had every intention of finishing it.?BR> ?he street is hardly a place to >uphold the honors and etiquette of fighting. They were using superior numbers to beat you, not skill.
>Therefore, I thought that I might even the odds a little bit.

Aaron: But you said so yourself godboy, no skill. She could have easily taken them on with her ‘mighty Clanner skillz’ right?

>
>Her gaze softened a little bit, and she raised herself fully upright. Iskander then returned the bow, and >straightened back up. Derek had answered (having read the finer points of Clan structure and society) in
>a manner to keep her honor intact.

Aleksandr: (Horrible Japanese Accent) You have dishonored yourself! Hara-kiri! Now!

>
>?hank you, warrior. Might I have your name??BR> Derek smiled. ?'m Lieutenant Derek Newland. I

Amaris: (Derek) ...wanna bone ya!
Aleksandr: Amaris...

>actually own a small mercenary company.? He noted her look of disgust when he stated that, but she said
>nothing. ?mm.. it's actually very small, I'm the only member of it.

Aaron: (Derek) Well, that was because of this friendly fire incident, heh, heh.

>I'm looking for more people, if you're interested.?BR>
>Iskander again regarded him with cold eyes, however Derek could see that she was clearly debating the
>idea in her mind.

Aaron: (Takes out a checklist) Mind reading powers, another godboy talent.
Aleksandr: Where’d you get that checklist?
Aaron: Shhh, it’s a secret.

>?efore you think about it too hard, I think we should probably make ourselves scarce.? Upon seeing her
>confusion, he added ?aw enforcement types don't take kindly to fights, though this wasn't our doing.?BR>
>She nodded, surveyed her handiwork along with Derek's, and managed a small smile.

Amaris: Ooo, how nice! Some delicate lace doilies! I’ve always wanted one of these!
Aleksandr and Aaron: (Look at him) Riiiight...

>?lright then Derek, lead, and I shall follow.? They both climbed into Derek's hovercar, and left for the >'mech bays.
>

Part 2, Chapter 6:

>==============================5=================================

Aleksandr: (Bored) And this is Interstate 5...
Aaron and Amaris: o/~Dashing through the snow, in a five horse open sleigh o/~

>
>Contrary to what's shown in the holovids, most dropships don't have living quarters with portholes >showing what's outside of them. The reason is simple: to prevent the loss of life.

Aleksandr: Yep, cause you never know when someone think’s a porthole is actually a washing machine. One batch of dirty clothes and the ship’s a goner!

>If the dropship was attacked while most of the crew was sleeping, it would be a simple matter to take >most of them out.

Aaron: Not really. The armor plating on combat and civilian DropShips are more than strong enough to withstand at least one naval volley. *And* civilian DropShips have massive windows out into space. Hasn’t this guy read Flashpoint?
Amaris: (getting back into his seat) At this point I think our author’s pulling stuff out of his ass.
Aleksandr: That poor, poor donkey.

>Corridors are actually what contain portholes,

Aaron: Whoop, whoop, whoop!
Amaris; And just what the hell is that?
Aaron: Bad grammar alert.

>the rest of the ship 'simulates' the passage of time by lighting. Normal lighting for day, red lights in most >areas for night.

Aaron: And what color light pray tell for emergencies?

>
>Derek found himself waking to red lighting, which meant that it was still dark outside. When planetside, >the dropship used light sensors to determine what the inside lighting should be.

Amaris: And when in space, they used a captive monkey.

>He looked around the quarters he was sleeping in, and at the man who was still sleeping in the bunk >below him.

Amaris: Derek, what did I say about having relations with strange white men again?

>He shrugged on a shirt and light jacket,

Aaron: (Derek) Screw wearing pants! I’m rich!

>and walked out the door and down the hall that would lead to where Iskander was sleeping. With a peak >at his chronometer, he saw the time to be 0556, right around his normal waking time.
>
>After the ?nworthy skirmish?- as Iskander called it ?the night before, they had brought the pilot of the >downed Centurion inside. The poor man seemed more like a boy, barely of legal age to be piloting a >'mech, much less fighting for someone.

Aaron: There’s a legal age for fighting?

>They gave him some MREs, and allowed him rest.

Aleksandr: (Derek) But no sleeping! I catch you sleeping and I’ll keelhaul you!
Amaris: Isn’t keelhauling-?
Aaron: Best if you don’t ask.

>To Derek's surprise, Iskander took an almost motherly role with the boy, bringing him food, blankets, >and making sure he got rest.

Aaron: (Iskander) Did you remember to wash behind your ears dear? Don’t forget your lunch, and wake up on time so you don’t miss the bus.

>He assumed that was the way she showed respect towards a defeated opponent.

Aleksandr: We who are about to have our asses handed to us would like to be mollycoddled afterward.

>
>Iskander had left Derek to bring both 'mechs, along with the downed Centurion, into the bays of the >Leopard.

Amaris: Alone? Sheesh, Clanner women are harsh...
Katyusha: (Over the PA) I heard that!
Amaris: What? What do you- (Sound of crackling electricity) AGGGH! Okay, I’ll be good...

>He then sealed the ship up,

Aaron: *Zip*

>and ?with Iskander's help ?warmed, then started, the ship's fusion reactor. The gentle thrumming was >heard throughout every level of the ship, a sound which both Derek and Iskander found soothing.

Aaron: Fusion rectors are supposed to be shielded so nothing bad happens. This shielding is supposed to keep most of that thrumming noise out, so...
All: Run for cover!

>
>Derek knocked softly on the door to Iskander's quarters. He was not surprised to have the door opened >no less than fifteen seconds later. ?ornin'.? He croaked, never having liked getting up early.

Aaron: So why get up early, dummy?

>
>?ood morning, lieutenant.? She said.

All: Helloooo, nurse!

>?ust call me Derek.

Aleksandr: (Derek) Yeah, because you know, I’m not actually part of *any* military with ranks?

>Though I'm your commander, I think I'd rather you viewed us as equals, ok?

Aleksandr: Okay, equals. Circle of Equals, right here and now Derek you freebirth scumling!

>?BR> ?ff... Lieutenant.? She said with a small grin on her face.
>
>Derek just stared at her. ?as that.. humor?

Amaris: No, that’s my knife sticking into your chest.

>What an odd Clanswoman you are indeed.?BR>
>?es. I suppose you might call that one of my lesser traits. But I refuse to change for anyone, so I suggest >you get used to it.?BR>

Amaris: But what about thirty more dollars? Eh? Eh?
(Aleksandr clubs him again with a seat.)

>She expected a sharp retort, or some sort of insulting remark. The last thing she expected was what >Derek did. He

Aaron: ...Pulled a giant schwanz from the inside of his jacket.
Amaris: Hey, why doe she get to do that and I can’t Kerensky?
Aleksandr: Because he words it better.

>laughed. Not a slight chuckle, nor a snort through his nose. This was a loud sound of genuine amusement.

Aleksandr: (Deep voice) Hur hur hur.
Aaron: Gner gner gner
Amaris: (Shakes head) You two...

>
>?hat is so funny?? She asked pointedly, crossing her arms.

Aleksandr: (Derek) Your *heehee* your fly is (Breaks out into uncontrollable laughter and falls off his chair. He climbs back a few seconds later) Whoo, fun!

>Derek wiped tears from the corners of his eyes. ? suppose you might call it refreshing to listen to >someone else's jokes, rather than listen to my own when I talk to myself.? She regarded him strangely.

Aaron: (Iskander, to self) Weirdo...

>?ou.. talk to yourself?

Aaron: (Iskander, to self) Yep, definitely a weirdo...

>?BR> ?here's an old saying. Something along the lines of 'talking to myself is the most intelligent >conversation I've had all day'

Aaron: Yeah, well you’re the exception to that rule.

>.?BR> ? see.? She said, but the puzzled look on her face clearly said that she didn't.

Amaris: (Iskander) DUHHH, Me stupid Clanswoman, no understand concept.

>?ever mind. I'll explain it to you some other time. May I come in?

Aleksandr: (Harry Dresden) Why don’t you come in...

>?BR> ?ertainly.? She said, opening the door the rest of the way.
>?hank you.?BR>
>He walked in and sat down on the locker sitting on the floor across from her bunk.

All: (Imitate sound of creaking metal.)

>She went and sat on the bunk, facing him with a bemused expression.
>
>? am curious still, Lieutenant, where did the money for all this come from?

Aaron: And where’d the rank come from? And what’s a commissioned officer doing starting up a mercenary company? And why do we have belly buttons? And why isn’t the Moon made of Swiss cheese? And-(Amaris clubs him with a seat) Thanks buddy, I needed that.
Amaris: Any time Aaron, any time.

>?BR> Derek openly sighed. ?t's a long story.?BR> ? am not going anywhere. After all, this is your >ship.?BR> He sighed again. ?lright, you win.? He said, shifting around on the metal locker.

All: (Imitate sound of severely strained metal.)

>
>?ou see, I lived on a planet very close to the Periphery. There really wasn't much going on there, even >when the Clan invasion was in full swing.

Aleksandr: (Southern accent) Boy, nothing happenin’ around here huh?
Amaris: (Southern accent) There sure ain’t...
Aleksandr: (Southern accent) Didn’t them Clanners pass by recently?
Amaris: (Southern accent) They sure did...

>During the Truce of Tukayyid, me and my brother found a mostly broken Commando in the woods

Aaron: *Roll roll roll* It was missing it’s right leg... *Roll roll roll* It’s left leg... *Roll roll roll* And it’s center torso. (Aaron starts laughing.) Huh, funny that...

>out behind our house, where a battle had taken place a few years back. Though it was more spare parts >than anything, the fusion reactor shielding was still intact,

Amaris: But the actual reactor was missing...
Aaron: (Continues laughing.)

>as was the internal structure, and all of the >components except the weapons.

Aleksandr: That’s not *mostly broken*... That’s called put up on the blocks and stripped.

>
>?fter a bit of jury-rigging, and good deal of 100 kilometer-per-hour tape,

Amaris: Can I ask just what the hell that’s supposed to be?
Aleksandr: Haven’t a clue there.
Aaron: Me neither.

>we had it mostly functional.

Aleksandr: (Derek) Admittedly it had this glitch where it just kept going “Kill, Crush, Destroy” and it was still missing its legs.

>After that, we'd take turns piloting it.

Aleksandr: And we’ll overlook the issues of piloting an unattuned ‘Mech without any safety equipment. I wonder where the previous pilot had gone...
Amaris: (Derek’s brother) My turn! It’s my turn now- *Squish*
Aaron: (Derek) Okay, so I hogged the ‘Mech and stepped on my brother whenever he complained.

>We found on accident one day, that the laser mounted in the arm still worked,

Aaron: I thought you said that the weapons were completely missing.
(There is a muffled thump in the background)

>though the focusing lens was missing, so it did little more than give you tan, or if you had something >within a meter of the barrel, it would melt it. Even so, we took a lens we had laying around the house, >crafted by hand, and put it in the barrel, so we could melt things at a range of fifty meters.

Aleksandr: Yep, wonders a magnifying glass can do there...

>
>?early every day, we'd take it out to some gravel pits near our house for target practice.

Aleksandr: (Derek) Screw school, I’ve got a ‘Mech!

>We'd take turns, one cheering from the ground over the radio, and giving targeting adjustments,

Aaron: (Derek’s brother) More to the right there...
Aleksandr: (Derek) Like this?
Aaron: (Derek’s brother) No, that too close to me! AIEEE!
Amaris: (chuckles) That’ll leave a scar.

>while the other would burst ?nemies?into flames. Finally, we had saved up enough money for a rebuild >kit for the laser,

Aaron: Where from?

>to turn it into an extended range model,

Aleksandr: Ah, very special Star League secret. Use more magnifying lenses!
Aaron: (Laughs)

>some equipment to rework the targeting computer,

Aaron: I repeat, where?

>and some stuff to repair internal mountings that had been sheared away.

Aaron: Need I repeat myself?

>
>?hat day, I went to the target field on my own. I was amazed at the accuracy that the Commando had >now.

Amaris: (Derek) I could actually hit the side of a barn!

>From five hundred meters, I was able to vaporize anything.

All: (Imitate laser and buzzing noises and then sounds of screaming people)

>After an hour or so, I started heading home. When I was within two kilometers, I noticed smoke rising >from the area where our house was. Despite the somewhat rough shape the gyroscope was in, I pushed >the throttle to the limit, which we had always been afraid to do.

Aleksandr: (Derek) And then the throttle fell off, followed by the gyro, and the engine. By that time I figured I was screwed.

>
>?hen I got there several minutes later, most of our house had been burnt down,

Aaron: Don’t screw with the Star League Revenue Service or we’ll find you and burn your house down.

>and I saw armored troops loading my family on to a small dropshuttle.

Amaris: Ah, yet another family becomes a demonstration to why it’s a good idea to pay your taxes.

>The logo was
Aaron: ...of the Star League Revenue Service.

>one of the bandit kingdoms,

Aaron: (Shrugs) Ehhhh, next best thing.

>and they had apparently come to our planet on a slave run.

Amaris: (Slavers) o/~ Kill all the men, rape all the women, sell all the children into slaver-eee!o/~

>I don't remember bringing the laser online, or finding them in the crosshairs.

Aaron: Shoddy machine work if you can target your own weapons.
Aleksandr: Pikers.

>All I remember is running, and firing at anything I could hit.

Aaron: Read: Nada, Zero, Zippo, Nunca, Cero, Nothing.

>
>? laid waste to an entire platoon of troops, killing as many as I could in rage.

Aleksandr: Why fire? Why didn’t he just take a really big step?

>Then they brought out the SRM launchers.

Aleksandr: (Derek) Thankfully they forgot to load the launchers.

>I heard the warning of incoming missiles,

Aaron: (Computer) Hey boss! Just tellin’ ya you have a forty missiles headed your direction! I’d advise putting your head between your legs and kiss your butt goodbye!

>but there wasn't anything I could do except brace myself in the cockpit. They slammed right into the base >of the cockpit,

Aleksandr: Why he didn’t die we’ll never know.
Aaron: Davion.
Lord Davion: (Over PA) What?
Aaron: (Hurriedly) Nothing, nothing, sir.

>and also into the reactor.

Aaron: (Under breath) Fiat abusing no-good Davionista Feddie half-blood...

>I got an overload warning, and punched the ejection button, praying it worked.

Aleksandr: (Derek) It worked, kind of. The top of the cockpit came off and pink confetti started spraying all over the place. We really should have invested more into the ‘Mech.

>
>?urprisingly enough, it did. I went sailing over the tree-tops, and watched the Commando, along with my >chances of saving my family, explode.

Amaris: Hey, look on the bright side kid, your reactor blew and probably took out the invaders and their DropShuttle.
Aaron: What about Derek’s family?
Amaris: (Waves hands dismissively) Minor detail, minor details, mere semantics...

>Later, when I found my way back, the shuttle was gone. There was only a smoking wreckage of the >Commando, and our house.

Aaron: (Derek) There was a small business card in the midst of the carnage. It read, ‘Star League Revenue Service- If you don’t want a repeat of this, remember to pay up on time.’
Amaris: Y’know, the SLRS is starting to sound like an organized crime syndicate...
Aleksandr: Shhhh...

>I sat in between the feet of the 'mech, crying for the longest time. Finally, I pulled myself together, and >went digging around the remains of our house for anything of value.

Aleksandr: When all else fails, resort to looting a burned down house! Way to go Derek! Bravo!

>
>?fter an hour, I looked at where the Commando's feet remained, and noticed the gleam of metal.

Amaris: Hmmm, ‘Aias Mark II Anti-‘Mech Mine. Do Not Tamper.’ It’s probably harmless...
Aleksandr: (Laughs)

>I walked closer, and saw what looked like an entire metal panel. I started brushing off what I could, and >found an access panel, still operational and under power. I entered what codes I could think of to try to >get it to open.

Aaron: (Star League technician) Hee hee, the password’s ‘password’! Nobody will get it!
Aleksandr: (Derek) Swordfish, nope. Grandslam, nope. 123ABC, nope. ABC123, nope. Iamagenius, nope. Bionicman, nope. Chameleon, nope. Flatlanderwoman, nope. Knightslayer, nope. Littlerobot, nope. I’m running out of ideas...

>No luck. In a fit of anger, I punched it, and heard a deep rumple.

Amaris: A rumple? Wow he’s strong...
Aaron: (Derek) That sound was the sound of my knuckles fracturing against well made Star League technology. Note to self, don’t punch Star League stuff.

>A split appeared in the earth, and widened, showing an access way deep underground. Cautiously, I >followed it.

All: (Start humming the Indiana Jones theme.)

>
>?s I made my way deeper, and light started to fade, lights in the corridor started coming on as I went past >them. Finally I came to a large opening, and doors so large they looked like they belonged to a 'mech >bay.

Aleksandr: Gee, now *that’s* foreshadowing!

>I looked around for an access panel like the one I had found on the surface, and only located a simple >button, about the size of my hand, and lit green. I did the only thing I could think of ?I punched it.

Amaris: *Crunch* (Derek) Why do I have such short memory? Oh the pain...

>
>? heard another rumble, louder this time, and coming from straight in front of me. The doors started to >open. In my stupor, I could only stare at them. They slowly split, revealing an ancient 'mech repair bay. I >walked in, and looked around. As I walked towards the center, spotlights came on, and lit up one of the >oldest things in existence; The first BattleMech ever made, a Mackie.

Aaron: Surely not as old as the Mackdaddy?
Aleksandr: Yes, it’s as old as the Mackdaddy.

>
>? climbed the chain-link ladder to the cockpit and opened the hatch. Inside sat one of the most prized >possessions any ?even Clan ?MechWarrior could want.

Amaris: Aleksandr Kerensky’s desiccated corpse.
Aleksandr: Hey!

>A mint-condition Star League Defense Force neurohelmet.

Aaron: So mint-condition that it still had a Star League Defense Force MechWarrior still attached to it.

>I sat in the cockpit in awe, and just stared at my surroundings. Eventually, I grew tired, and fell asleep. A >'mech cockpit has pretty much been the only place I could sleep ever since.

Amaris: Boy this kid gets over the loss of his family pretty quickly...
Aleksandr: (Derek) Everywhere else I wake up screaming ‘Rosebud!’ for some reason.

>
>?hen I woke, I found the access codes to open the bay's surface doors.

Amaris: Gee that’s convenient...

>I powered up the Mackie, and took it outside. Looking at the readouts, the PPC and autocannon read >fully functional. It even had a full ammo load.

Aaron: Unfortunately when antique ammo is stored in antique weapons, only bad things can happen.

>Curious, I fired the PPC at one of the Commando's leftover feet.

Aleksandr: he makes it sound as though the Commando’s got about six feet or something.

>The bolt of lightning melted what was left of it to slag. I made this?he pulled a 'mech charm ?a piece of >melted metal, usually taken from the first 'mech you ever had shot out from under you

Aaron: Strictly speaking, no. I made mine from the melted armor of my enemies.

>?out from under his shirt. ?rom it. The rest is kind of boring. I kept the neurohelmet, and sold the Mackie >to a museum.

Amaris: And given the time frame when this is taking place, the Houses probably broke the museum open and tried to add the Mackie to their own forces.

>That was about six years ago, and I've basically been on the move ever since.

Aaron: (Derek) Staying one step ahead of the SLRS...

>
>?bout three years ago, while working as a technician's apprentice,

Amaris: Still doesn’t explain the commission.

>I found my Devastator. It was termed ?attlefield salvage? but I saw a bright future in it. It was nearly >complete,

Aleksandr: Just missing the lega and cockpit. No biggie for god-boy over here.

>except that it had almost no armor left on it, and it had no weapons. In my spare time, and through >salvage, I obtained the PPCs, and half-functional Clan gauss rifles that are now in it.

Aaron: Aleks, isn’t it illegal for a technician to take salvaged equipment from storage for personal purposes?
Aleksandr: Yes it is. MPs? Arrest this man!

>I rebuilt them both by hand, and added a capacitor bank to the PPCs. It has more armor than the standard >model, and the SLDF neurohelmet in the cockpit as well.

All: Munch ‘Mech.

>Shortly after, I started this unit, quit my job, and hitched a ride to Solaris VII. The rest is, as they say, history. Now you find me where I am today.?BR>

Amaris: (Derek) Destitute and trying to create a mercenary company.

>Iskander said nothing for the longest time. For a full minute, she simply stared straight into Derek's eyes, >as if searching for something.

Aleksandr: The spark of demi-godhood?
Amaris: Intelligence?

>Then she asked ?hy did you not wish to tell me this??BR> ? suppose I thought you'd find my history >lacking. Besides when I shot up those troops, I have no actual combat experience.?BR> ?t is not just >combat that makes the warrior. A true warrior always seeks a better understanding of his or herself, along >with what they fight with. You have shown true mastery of a BattleMech. Technical knowledge, along >with persistence, patience, and eagerness.

Aaron: Not to mention an intelligence that barely overshadows a rock.

>Though most of my kind would scoff at such a history,

All: Scoff!

>I see it as nothing but honorable.?

Amaris: And she’s a Jag? Why is she still alive?

>
>She stood up at this point. Derek did also. ? will be honored to serve under you, and beside you,

Amaris: (Iskander) Not to mention underneath you too... Heh heh heh...
Aleksandr: Amaris...

>for now and forever.?

Aleksandr and Aaron: (Deep voices) o/~And he shall reign for ever and ever...o/~

>She bowed, and extended her hand.

Aaron: That’s not Iskander, that’s Mr. Fantastic!

>Derek shook it whole-heartedly. With some tears in his eyes,

Amaris: Crocodile tears right there. Where’s the emotion behind it?

>he returned the bow, slightly deeper than hers had been.

Aaron: *Punt* Heh, heh, heh, serves him right if he bows like that in front of me.
Aleksandr: Say, when did Clanners bow anyway?
(There’s another muffled thump, closer this time.)
Amaris: hey did anyone hear that?
Aleksandr: What?
(Another thump, even closer. Then a final crunch noise, the camera zooms in on the blue wombat that just broke its way into the theater..)
Amaris: What the heck is that? And how can we see it from our seats at the front of the theater?
Katyusha: (Over PA) Sorry guys, I don’t know how that thing got in there. I’m sending Nicholas to pick it up.
(Meanwhile, Wombat has waddled over and curled up in Amaris’s lap and looks up at him.)
Amaris: Urk.

>Then he sat back down, and used his jacket sleeve to wipe his eyes dry.

Amaris: (Trying to shove Wombat off.)We’ve just lined the sleeve of Derek’s sleeve with O-Chlorobenzylidene Malononitrile, let’s see if he notices the difference.
Aaron: (Derek) My eyes!

>He cleared his throat before asking ?hat about yourself? I've never heard of a Clan defector, how did you >get here?

Aleksandr: I was kidnaped by a cabal of Successor Lords and lock here.
Aaron: So was I.
Amaris: Me too!

>?BR>
>Anger blazed in her eyes at the word 'defector', but it was quickly quelled. ?y story is much the story of >an average Clansperson. I was brought up in my sibko2

Aleksandr: Sibko 2.0, with a higher success rate than Sibko 1.0. Order yours today!

>with many other trueborn warriors.

Amaris: Oh golly, and here I thought sibkos were for freebirths only.
Aleksandr: Actually some of them are, but they start at a much older age.
Amaris: Shut up, you’re ruining my moment.

>I was often the better of my peers in simulators, and in hand-to-hand combat.

Amaris: (Iskander) But according to my peers I was lousy in the sack.
Aleksandr: Amaris...

>When I was finally assigned a 'mech, I opted for a Timber Wolf,

Aaron: Not to disrupt this entire ‘Mech porn thing, but isn’t being *assigned* a ‘Mech different from *choosing* one? No need to worry on my part, just commenting.

>the one know to your people as a Mad Cat.

Aleksandr: We do? Odd, I call it Clan munchiness at its best.

>
>?nlike my peers, I sought to fully understand my 'mech, and often assisted my technician with repairs.

Aleksandr: yes, repairs... Heh, heh, heh...
Aaron: (Cues the porno jazz)

>My peers and superiors both viewed this as unClan-like,

All: (Chanting) Chalcas, chalcas, chalcas!

>which I suppose it was, and requested that I 'resume my duties as a warrior, not as a member of the >technician caste'.

Amaris: In short, stop boffing the technicians, they’re becoming more inefficient.
>Undaunted, I continued to work on my 'mech with my tech, and fully learned how it functioned. Though >I was the target of many insults and honor-duels, my piloting and gunnery skill was unmatched by all.

Aleksandr: I think someone put some of my DNA into her vat...
Amaris: Egotist...

>
>?nstead of prove myself to those around me, it seemed to make me a better target.

Aaron: No honey, that’s because someone tattooed a red bull’s-eye on your forehead.

>I was accused several times of 'cheating' during combat contests.

Aleksandr: They’re called Trials, toots.

>Though there was never any proof of such, no one ever sided with me.

All: o/~...I need no sympathy, easy come, easy go, little high, little low, anywhere the wind blows, nothin really matters to me... o/~

>Finally, during the battle for a Bloodname, which I rightly should have won, the trial was called to a halt >in the middle of it.

Aaron: (Iskander) I stopped on a dime. Unfortunately that dime was in Mr. Rococo’s pocket...
Aleksandr: A cookie for whoever gets that.

>I was brought up in front of the Grand Council,

Aleksandr: Kurultai! Kurultai! Kurultai!
Amaris: (Shakes head)
Aaron: Shouldn’t she have been sent before a Clan Council rather than the Grand Council? I mean I’m sure she didn’t accidentally fire on and destroy the master genetic repositories or anything...

>charged with treachery, and dispelled.

Amaris: The sentence? Immediate deresolution.
Aaron: (Tron program) Nooo!

>
>?s a 'parting gift', they gave me something which you have not seen yet. It was a Kage battle armor suit, >experimental,

Aleksandr: (Iskander) So experimental that the arms fall off every time I activate it!

>taken as isorla3

Aaron: Remember to upgrade your Sibko 2.0 with the Isorla3 patch update.

>from a conquest within the Draconis Combine.

Amaris: Yeah I can imagine a ‘conquest.’ (Omi Kurita) Ravish me! Ravish me!
Aaron: *Snicker* You know she’s dead right?
Amaris: Nope, still in denial.

>I was then shipped to a planet directly off the Smoke Jaguar invasion corridor, and left to fend for my >own.

Aleksandr: Oh yes, the Jags will dump a perfectly suitable warrior onto a planet with a prized piece of technology... That certainly makes sense to me right there.

>That was about three years ago. Though I had plans of redeeming myself in front of my Clan, those plans >were quickly crushed when Prince Victor lead his army and destroyed Clan Smoke Jaguar.

Aaron: The timeline here doesn’t even make sense now.

>
>?ith no place to go, I made my way through all the gaming planets, until I got to Solaris VII.

Aleksandr: Isn’t Solaris VII the *only*gaming planet? I suppose that’d be why we call it *The* Gaming Planet.

>By the time I had reached here, I had obtained mastery of the Kage suit, including the active camouflage >function. I won many matches before taking the 'mech of my latest opponent, a ?e-seen?Phoenix Hawk.

Amaris: Great, he defaulting into fanboy terms. And I don’t see a Kage suit taking on a Phoenix Hawk and winning, they ain’t Elemental suits you know...

>
>?he weapons were un-repairable, so I looked around on this... Black Market.

Aaron: We prefer the term Gray Market, it gives us more of an air of good repute.

>I found some Clan weapons that would easily replace those it was intended to have.

Aleksandr: On the Market? Shyeah right.

>I too increased the armor amount past the typical load. Also, I labored to bring the sensor suite up to >Clan levels.

Amaris: It can measure a gnat’s *Mrph*!
Aleksandr: I’ll let you go when you promise not to make comments like that again, there are kids reading this you know... (Amaris nods, and ALeksandr lets go of his mouth.) Thank you.

>Doing so cost a lot of extra weight, so I purchased a 'light' engine to install in place of the normal reactor.

Aaron: And how many Lyrans did you have to suck up to so you could get that piece of tech?

>I have been here ever since, and that was about a year ago.?BR>

Amaris: Uh-huh. Yeah. And how much money is needed to go independent?
>Derek was silent for a while too. After a few minutes, he said ?ell, I guess we understand a lot more >about each other.

Aleksandr: (Iskander) Actually I’ve been lying. I’m a Xolaran girl who mugged a lost Clanner for his ‘Mech.

>?BR> ?es, I suppose we do.?
>
>As soon as she finished her sentence, the red light on the far bulkhead turned off.

Amaris: I think that means the bomb has just gone off.
Aaron: (Imitates the sound of an explosion and screaming people.)

>Derek glanced at his chronometer, which read 0645.

Aleksandr: Oddly enough, the numbers were slowly flaking off. Someone hadn’t done a good job painting them on.

>
>?t is time for 'chow', quiaff?? Iskander inquired.

Aleksandr: No, it’s Miller time!

>?eah, I guess we better see how.. er.. what's-his-name is doing.?BR>

Aaron: You mean what’s his face?
Amaris: No, I mean what’s the name.
Aleksandr: No, no, no. You’re think of how does it go. It quite easy to confuse him with the others.

So, who can spot the references? Hooray for thread necromancy, by the way.

>==============================2=================================

Aleksandr: And this is Interstate 2.
Aaron: o/~Dashing through the snow, in a two horse open sleigh o/~

>When he finally secured a place to store his 'mech, he happened to notice he parked it next to a bright
Aleksandr: ...sun.
Amaris (Derek): Ahhh! Okay! Tell God to turn the sun off! <Half-forgotten webcomic about a mad scientist sentenced to teach at a high school.>

>and shiny Phoenix Hawk, one of the redesigned ones.

Aaron: Was it redesigned with a Handy Dandy Cappuccino Maker?

>It was painted primarily deep red, with trim of gold and black.

Nicholas: Aren’t trims supposed to be one color?

>The cowl in front of the cockpit was painted pitch black, a color that didn't even reflect light,

Amaris: Now wait one crudstinking minute. Didn’t the author just say that the ‘Mech was bright and shiny just a few lines before?
Aaron: And isn’t a cowl supposed to be *above* or *on* the cockpit instead of in front of it?

>giving it an eerie look. Whoever had done the paint job on it had done such a good job that it made an >otherwise lightweight 'mech look fearsome.

Amaris: Or gay.
Aleksandr: Aw ease up Stefan.
Amaris: I still say it’s gay. <*Snickers* Using a catapult to launch Frodo into Mount Doom to deliver the Ring…>

>
>Derek's Devastator was still painted in the drab gray color of a paint primer. He hadn't really put much >thought into a color scheme for it,

Amaris: We can tell Derek...

>and kind of liked the way it looked with a dull gray coat on it. He rested the Devastator

Nicholas (Devastator): *Snore* Zzzz...

>beside one of the gantries, powered down the reactor, and climbed out.

Amaris: Out of the wrong side.
Aaron (Derek): AIIIIEEEEEE! *splat*
Aleksandr: Not you too Aaron?

>
>On his way down he noticed a lone female figure coming in the entrance.

Amaris: Whoot! Romantic subplot coming up!
Aleksandr: Amaris, are you in this for the intricate sub-plot of two MechWarriors who gradually fall in love or the breasts that will be displayed later?
Amaris: BOOBIES!
Aleksandr: Thought so.

>As he got to the bottom of the ladder, he got a better look at her. She appeared to be in excellent shape,

Amaris: And what excellent shape it was!
Aleksandr: And what shape would that be?
Aaron: This is The Usurper we’re talking about. What shape do you expect?
Aleksandr: Bulbous in all the wrong places.
Amaris: Hey!

>with ice-gray eyes, and long brown hair, loosely tied back. She was wearing a pair of dark brown,
>coolant and grease stained cargo pants,

Aaron: Err, did that just say ‘dark brown, coolant’? Does that mean what I think it means?
Nicholas: (Innocently) Depends Uncle Aaron, what do you mean?

>a plain white tank-top shirt, and knee high neo-leather boots.

Amaris: Yes sir! These boots were made for walking and were made from The One’s tanned hide too!

>She stood a little taller than a meter and a half, with a long, powerful stride.

Nicholas: Powerful strides?
Aaron (pulp detective): I knew she was trouble the moment she came into my office. Her very stride broke the tiling and floor. I thought, ‘Who’s going to pay for this mess’? <Pulp stereotype joke, strongly based on Firesign Theater.>

>
>Derek dropped the last four steps to the ground, and the woman finally noticed him.

Aaron (Woman): ‘Mech, ‘Mech, ‘Mech, moron with a primer colored Devastator, ‘Mech, ‘Mech.
Amaris (Woman): Maybe if I ignore him, he’ll go away.

>She quickly sized him up, as if expecting a fight of some sort.

All: (Hum Mortal Kombat Theme)

>Now that Derek finally had a closer look, he noticed gray hair at her temples, faint lines around her eyes,

Amaris (Derek): On second thought, my pickup lines *won’t* work on her.

>and a full color tattoo on her right shoulder of the Smoke Jaguar insignia.

Aleksandr (Derek): Ooo, nice ink, lady.

>
>?ice paint job you have there.? Derek offered,

Aaron: Of course he offered, what with the question mark at the end of the sentence!

>walking towards her. She merely regarded him with cold >eyes, without saying a word.

Aleksandr (Woman): ...

>>?'m Lieutenant Derek Newland.? He said, extending his hand.

Aleksandr: I’m Chuck Norris. (Extends hand)
Aaron: I’m Binky the clown. (Extends hand)
Nicholas: I’m Batman! (Hums theme to Batman)
Amaris: I’m sleeping with your wife! (Runs off and tries to get the door open and finds it locked) Dammit!

>Again, she merely stared at it, before
>looking back at him.

Aaron (Alien): What is this Earthling trying to say?

>
>?ight.. well.. umm.. Do you fight in the arenas? If so, when's your next match??BR>

Aleksandr: Whoa! Ease up Derek! You’ve only known her for what, two minutes at most?

>? do fight in the arenas.? She said coolly.

Aaron: As cooly as anyone who can speak with multiple punctuation marks in one sentence.
Aleksandr: That’s it, I call no more commenting on spelling errors. Well unless they make the sentence inherently funny.

>?owever, do not be mistaken that I fight for someone else, I fight my own battles, and I win them.

Aleksandr (Woman): I win them to the point where I actually lose.

>My next match, if you care to come watch,?she said, with a small tone of disgust

Aaron (Woman): (thinking)Wow, he really needs to shave.

>?s in about an hour. If you would move, I will be on my way there.?BR>
>Derek sheepishly moved out from in front of her, and

Amaris: Promptly fell on his behind.

>watched her climb the ladder to her 'mech's cockpit.

Nicholas: Isn’t called a gantry, daddy?

>He couldn't help but wonder at her odd speech, and the tattoo on her shoulder. He's heard of Clan members being punted out,

Amaris: Heh, PUNT!
Aaron (Clan member): AIIIEEEEE!
Aleksandr: Nothing better than a relaxing game of ‘Punt the Clanner’ eh?

>so to speak

Amaris and Aaron: Awww.

>, but this far into one of the major territories?

Nicholas (Clan Woman): Err, I got lost... Heh heh heh...
Aleksandr: Snap out of it lady, you’re no Ryoga for sure. <Ranma 1/2 character.>

>He pondered it over in his head while making his way to the arenas to see when she was scheduled to fight.

Aaron: Gee Mister, she just said in an hour or so!

>
>Several minutes later, he came to the entrance for the arenas.

Amaris: Correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t the Solaris Arenas in separate zones? From what I can tell right now, he is most certainly not in the outskirts with all those nasty Bloodpits. SO WHAT THE HECK IS THE AUTHOR WRITING ABOUT? Can’t he at least check a sourcebook?
Aaron: Calm down buddy, I’m sure he’s just too poor to afford a Solaris novel or anything canon to storyline.

>After paying a nominal fee to get inside, he spotted a poster with her 'mech on the front, standing across
>from a Gurkha inside an arena.

Aaron: A Gurkha? Isn’t that lighter than a Phoenix Hawk? I know that Solaris has Open License but this is absurd.
Aleksandr: More importantly, how does one stand in front and yet next to another ‘Mech?

>On the bottom it says ?skander vs Sir Loin? which basically meant,

Amaris (British Accent): We’re buggered now. <Monty Python rears its ugly head again>

>due to the similarity to a certain type and way to cook beef, ?his guy's dead meat.?

Aaron: Of course dummkopf! The guy’s in a Gurkha! Even with the sword and PPC, the guys massively buggered!

>
>After paying yet another fee, and much grumbling,

Aaron: INCREDIBLE GRUMBLING ACTION!
Nicholas: (Laughs uncontrollably)

>Derek got inside the actual arena,

Aaron: Inside the arena? Where does he think he is, the Coliseum?

>and sat down to watch the fight. He opted for a seat out in the arena itself,

Amaris: Hee hee, squish!

>rather than behind a laser reflective transpex shield.

Aaron: ‘Laser reflective transpex shield’? IT’S CALLED A DETONATOR GRID YA MAROON! AND IT’S EXCLUSIVE TO THE COLISEUM!
Aleksandr: Whoa, calm down Aaron.

>He waited patiently for the clock to count down until the fight was scheduled to start.

Nicholas (Derek): Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! Seven! Seven!
Aleksandr (Chief Wiggums): Nuts, I hate it whenever that happens. <The Simpsons Halloween Special involving the New Year ball.>

>
>?aaaaaaadies and Gentlemen!

Amaris (New York Lottery Representative): The New York Lottery Jackpot is now SEVENTEEN MILLION DOLLARS!
Aaron: Are *you* ready to win big? <Local lottery commercial, although it’s been getting rarer over the years.>

>Welcome to Solaris VII, arena number twenty three: The Lion's Den.?

Aaron: Isn’t the Lion’s Den a private arena only for what’s-his-face, the owner of that stable, the what’s-a-call-it Lion?
Amaris: So sayeth the Solaris stable specialist?
Aaron: Bite me.

>The announcer started. ?irst, the challenger,

Aleksandr: A seven-foot eleven monster with foot thick biceps and triceps. He has the strength of twenty already strong men on steroids! He can tear ‘Mechs apart with his bare hands and has acid blood, laser beams in his eyes and all sort of other stuff! The betting begins now! <Some flash animation I saw once>
All: YAY!

>the man that we all are going to bet against,

All: Awww...

>Sir Loin, with the blue and gray Gurkha!?

Amaris: Kawaii! What a pretty ‘Mech!

>From the Gurkha's external speakers, ?t's called GUNMETAL you idiot!?

Aaron: Actually, for it to be gunmetal, it’d have to be a dull grayish-glue. In other words, factory primer.

>was heard all across the arena. The audience busted up laughing.

Amaris (Audience, monotone): We are laughing, watch our exclamation of glee and happiness. Isn’t this so exciting?

>>?aaaaaaaaand, on this side of the arena, the one woman who has the hearts of warriors everywhere, along >with arms, legs, and heads: Iskander,

Aleksandr: (Takes out encyclopedia) Let’s see, ‘Iskander’, ah, it’s a variation on the name of Alexander.
Amaris: Wha-? ‘Alexander’? Are you sure it’s not ‘Alexandria’ or something?
Aaron: So is the author hiding something from us? <Yes. She’s a classic Poison. Great, another reference…>

>with the Regal Red Phoenix Hawk!?

Nicholas: I think this is just an overblown paint commercial.

>Again, the audience laughed at the announcer's humor.

Aaron: That isn’t humor.
Amaris: I’d have to agree on that one.

>
>Derek silently complemented the announcer's job.

Amaris: What is there to complement?

>Make the necessary introductions while keeping the audience entertained, and their attention captured.

Aleksandr: Their attention was unfortunately captured with an Attention Motel.
Aaron (Announcer): Attention goes in, nothing come out. <Roach Motel commercial. Annoying, but catchy.>

>
>?ill the combatants please salute??BR>
>The two 'mechs stepped into the center of the arena, raised their right arms, and stepped back again.
>
>?aaaaaaaaaaaaadies and gentlemen, this is it, the moment you've all been waiting for...? The audience >started chanting

Aaron (Crowd): JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! <Jerry Springer, but you already knew that, right?>

>?IGHT! FIGHT!?

Aaron: (shrugs) Eh, next best thing.

>?hree! Two! One! BEGIN!?BR>

Nicholas: MORTAL KOMBAT!
Amaris: Hey Kerensky, I think you’re son has been playing too much Mortal Kombat.

>Immediately, the Gurkha leapt forward,

Aleksandr: We’ve locked his leg actuators together. Let’s see if he notices the difference... <Folgers Crystals again.>

>quickly accelerating to it's maximum speed of 119 kilometers per hour. Iskander, the Phoenix Hawk >pilot, moved her 'mech forward in a simple, patient walk. The Gurkha pilot slowed to a trot >approximately four hundred meters from the Phoenix Hawk,

Amaris: Okay, the pilot has my kudos. I don’t know anyone else who can stop a ‘Mech on what can pretty much stop on a dime in a confined arena.

>and fired the the extended range particle cannon mounted in it's right torso.
>
>Man-made lightning lanced out, and struck the Phoenix Hawk square in the left torso, knocking it >backwards.

Aleksandr: Well Iskander should be grateful she ain’t facing off against Mister Aidan “The Munchtastic” Pryde and his ER Small Laser of Doom. <Guess. I dare ya.>

>?ir Loin scores first blood!?Exclaimed the announcer. ?ver half a ton of armor gone from the Phoenix >Hawk!? Iskander fought control for balance for a moment, before returning fire.

Amaris: (Iskander) Dammit, shouldn’t have drunken that much last night... <Scary Movie 1>

>She brought her 'mech's >right arm up, and fired the pulse laser mounted there.
>
>With a loud CRACK!

Amaris: A dazed Fred and George Weasley appeared out of nowhere only to catch the pulse laser mid-flight. <Harry Potter>
Aaron: The results could only have been described as ‘tragic’ by the horrified onlookers later.
Aleksandr: That’s dark guys, really dark.

>the air was displaced in the path of the laser, before it struck the Gurkha right where the PPC barrel was >mounted. Molten armor poured over the opening, effectively sealing it shut. Derek was amazed.

Aleksandr: (Derek) I can’t believe she made that shot without ‘God-Boy’ mode on! <Modification of gaming terminology>

>Only Clan model pulse lasers had that kind of accuracy at the range they were fighting at.

Amaris: Oh gee, what else could there be, *alien* lasers?
Aaron: Actually, there could be considering the convergent design of energy weapons that have been designed as of so far from what we- (Amaris beans him with a chair)
Amaris: Quiet.

>
>?nd Iskander takes advantage of her Clan Tech weaponry! The damage is returned to Sir Loin, disabling >his PPC!

Amaris: Heh heh heh. PPC. Yeeeah, *PPC* Right.
Nicholas: Daddy? What does he mean?
Katyusha (From the PA): That’s it, Nicholas is not spending one more second there with you dirty old men.
(Two mechanical hands reach down from the ceiling and pull Nicholas up and out of the theater.)
Aleksandr: Whoa! I didn’t know there were things like that.

>?BR>
>Iskander fired three more bursts, each one seeming to do less damage than the last.

Aaron: (Iskander) Dammit, I should’ve used Evereadies! <Blame Phil Foglio, ‘s all I’m going to say.>

>Inside her cockpit, she double checked weapon readings and laser calibration.

Aaron: (Computer) One box of 5.7 ammunition.
Aleksandr: (Iskander) Check.
Aaron: (Computer) One box of 20 mill grenades.
Aleksandr: (Iskander) Check.
Aaron: (Computer) One box of baked beans.
Aleksandr: (Iskander) Check.
Aaron: (Computer) One box of naked pictures of your sister in compromising positions.
Aleksandr: (Iskander) Check.
Aaron: (Computer) One box of you’re not paying attention to me.
Aleksandr: (Iskander) Check.
Aaron: (Computer) Hey, hold on a second. I think I hear something.
Aleksandr: (Iskander) Check.
Aaron: (Computer) No really, I think there’s someone out there.
Amaris: If I hadn’t played that portion of Project Snowblind I wouldn’t be listening to this conversation. You guys need a life. <Yep, one of the little conversations you can listen in on in Project Snowblind. It made a boring game bearable.>

>Everything was reported as being nominal, but something was not right.

Aleksandr: There’s something not right here...

>She gave up on her large pulse laser, and closed the range.

Aaron: Yeah! Close the range! I wanna see some intimate ‘Mech on ‘Mech action now!
Aleksandr: ...

>
>?skander seems to be having trouble with her pulse laser!?

Amaris: Betcha it’s all rigged.

>Boomed the announcer, while the Phoenix Hawk throttled up, closing the range.

All: (Cheering)

>Her other arm came up as well, both bearing on the Gurkha. ?nd now she's getting a lock with her two >medium pulse lasers!

All: BOO!

>Might Sir Loin have a chance due to a total coincidence??BR>

All: YAY!
>Emerald beams lanced out from the barrels in both arms, each one again seeming duller than the last. >Iskander cursed into her neurohelmet.

Aleksandr: (Iskander) Curse you inferior Capellan materials! Curse you! <All covered in lead… Unlike in St. Ives, alternatively known as Space-Taiwan. There it’s all plastic. Shoddy knock-off plastic.>

>Someone had evidently favored a winner, and it wasn't her. No matter, she would win despite someone's >dishonorable tricks.

Aleksandr: (Mrs. Beauregard) Eyes on the goal Violet, eyes on the goal. <Modern Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie>

>
>The Gurkha pilot, however, was more concerned with damage reports.

Aaron: (Computer) Your cockpit has fallen off. <Always a bad sign. Based on the MechWarrior 4 computer voice.>

>His 'friend' in the 'mech bays had done what he wanted, but he was still hurt. He hadn't been expecting
>that kind of accuracy, nor the loss of his primary weapon. Since his quartet of ER small lasers would >most likely not be able to finish her off,

Amaris: This guy hasn’t obviously heard of Aidan Pryde and his ER small laser of Doom has he?

>he needed to close the range to get his sword into play.
>
>Iskander had anticipated this move, and brought her throttle up higher to do the same thing.

Aaron: Shouldn’t it be ‘throttled up’ rather than ‘brought her throttle up’? Because that would imply that she’s pulling the throttle stick away from the panel?
Amaris: Crunch. Hee hee!

>When they neared the range for hand to hand combat, the sword arm of the Gurkha came straight up in >the air. At that exact moment, Iskander touched off her jump jets,

Aaron: Sheesh, what’s with all of this precision anyway?

>and made a punching move for the arm.

Aleksandr: Left, left, right, down, right, up, up, L1, L2! Yes, peerless combo! <Generic game combo. Forgot about Contra at the time.>
Amaris: ...

>
>Derek almost gulped from his seat just outside the arena.

Aaron: Wait a second now, I thought he was *in* the arena?
Amaris: (Imitates klaxon) Continuity breach, continuity breach!

>Iskander was running a high risk of getting a broadsword through the cockpit, which would result in her
>death.

Amaris: Gee, ya dink? Unless you’re Vic Steiner-Davion, you wouldn’t survive that.
Aleksandr: Say, who’s this Steiner-Davion fellow anyway?
(The movie screen suddenly blanks out before suddenly showing the faces of both First Prince Davion and Archon Steiner)
Steiner: Yes, who is this person anyway?
Davion: Have one our children been doing something behind out backs? We must put a stop to this at once. Steiners and Davions don’t mix well.
Amaris: Err, I’ve said to much. Bye!
(Amaris runs out and tries to open the doors, only to find them locked, he beats at them desperately trying to get out.)
Aleksandr: (Starts to get up) Lords? I think we’ve earned a break don’t you think?
Davion: Yes, yes you have I suppose...
Steiner: You have ten minutes, any later and we’ll be doing unpleasant things to the atmosphere in there.
(The theater doors suddenly open as Amaris is ramming them, he loses his balance and falls on his bum. He gets up and follows Aleksandr and Aaron while rubbing his sore behind.)

>
>==============================3=================================

Aleksandr: This is Interstate 3.
Amaris and Aaron: o/~ Dashing through the snow, in a three horse open sleigh o/~

>
>Derek sat outside the arenas in a bar named ?ady Luck? If his guess was right, this was where all the >people who lost bets came to drink after the fights.

Aaron: But that’s just up to old Lady Luck now isn’t it?

>He ordered one of his favorite drinks, aptly named a PPC,

Amaris: (Bartender) Are you sure you want this? I mean are you really sure? Okay, here’s my liquor license so take a gander. Still sure, okay kiddo, your funeral.

>and stared into it while thinking.

Aleksandr: (Chuckles) Isn’t there a law against that?
Aaron: (Replicates sound of alarms and straining machinery)

>The blue surface of the drink seemed to wink back at him every now and then, catching the lighting from >the ceiling.

Aaron: Is it really the *drink* winking back at him or is it something more insidious? More evil? Could it be the abyss?
(Amaris clubs Aaron with a seat cushion)
Amaris: Quiet.

>
>This Iskander person would be perfect to complete my unit he thought to himself. Or... start it, at least.
>He heard a commotion outside, and quickly swallowed his drink.

Aleksandr: But in Soviet Russia, the drink swallows you! <Smirnov himself is strangling me right now.>

>The trick to it was you couldn't hardly let it touch your mouth; whatever it touched would quickly go
>numb, including your brain when it finally made it's way up there.

Amaris: Okay, PPCs now have my total respect. It’s an alcohol that actually seeps up through the tissues of the skull and then actually pickles your brain.
Aaron: Well it would explain why they’re sold in little shot glasses...
Aleksandr: Had a PPC before, feels like a lime wrapped around a silver ingot is bashing your head in. <Another H2G2 reference>

>
>Derek heard some glass shatter, and decided to check out what was going on. As he walked out the front
>door, he noticed two things: one, that a fight was obviously in progress, and two,

Amaris: ...he was barefoot and stepping on broken glass. <Oblique reference to the original Die Hard>

>that the aggressors belonged to the 'stable' for which the man in the Gurkha fought.
>
>There were four people facing down Iskander. Two more were on the ground, and appeared to be
>unconscious.

Aaron: (Voltaire) Pretending I *think* to be dead... <Act by Voltaire, AKA Aurelio Voltaire Hernandez>

>Of the four still functional, one had a knife, the other a metal pipe, and the last two were simply going >hand to hand.

Aleksandr: Wait, with each other?
Amaris: They’re ‘going hand to hand’. Does the author have any idea how disturbing that sounds when taken out of context?

>Iskander stood in the middle of a loosely formed circle, crouched into a fighting stance, with her arms >and hands held in front of her.

Aleksandr: (Hums Street Fighter II theme)
Aaron: Well I’d suppose her hands *would* be held in front of her if her arms were held in front of her.

>
>Derek knew from stories he had heard, both informational

Aaron: Is that even a real word?

>and somewhat fabricated, that Clan warriors, if indeed she was one, could more than hold their own
>against superior numbers.

Amaris: (Iskander) Foolish freebirths, even if you brought five more of the Inner Sphere’s best, you would still be outnumbered twenty to nine. <Legend of the Five Rings/Rokugan reference>

>But he still wasn't willing to stand by and let these men beat ?or try at least ?her into a pulp.
>
>No one seemed to have noticed him yet, so Derek took advantage of that. He sneaked up
Aaron: Sneaked? I’m pretty sure it should be ‘snuck’ in the case.

>behind the one he deemed most dangerous;

Aleksandr: The one with the rubber chicken?
Amaris: No, the one with the bottle of vintage 2070 Cabernet Sauvignon.
Aleksandr: The one with a Japanese nuclear bomb. <Dan Rather Rap. Look it up.>
Aaron: The IRS man?
Aleksandr: (Shudders) That’s a little too far.

>the one with the knife.

Aleksandr: (Australian) You call that a knife mate? <Go figure.>
Amaris: I still say it’s the man with the wine bottle.

>He quickly secured his arm around the man's neck, and used his other hand as leverage to make the
>choke more effective, and hopefully catch the blood supply to the brain.
>
>It wasn't immediate, but had the desired result. In approximately four seconds the man crumpled to the
>ground, dropping the knife.

Aaron: Isn’t that a bit hazardous? You know, what with the knife pointing up?
Amaris: But don’t you remember, we all must focus on Derek here. None of these puny mortals deserve our attention.

>Derek kicked it into the gutter on the side of the street, and faced down the one who noticed him.

Aleksandr: (Deep voice) A new challenger has arrived. <Super Smash Brothers reference>

>The other two were still absorbed with Iskander, and she with them.

Aleksandr: (Tom Lehrer) o/~ I love she and she loves me, enraptured are the both of we o/~ <Go figure.>

>
>The one who noticed him was holding the pipe, made probably of lead.

Amaris: Uh huh, lead. Riiiight...

>You could find them at any junkyard, or trash heap, and not a soul in the world would care if you stole
>one.

Amaris: Because we don’t use lead in piping anymore! It’s a freaking dangerous substance!
Aleksandr: Calm down Stefan, calm down...
Amaris: I’m calm, I’m calm.

>He smacked the pipe against the palm of his hand, hoping to intimidate Derek. Derek simply widened his
>stance a little bit, and kept his arms at his sides.

Aaron: Definitely a godboy, who else wouldn’t attack immediately?

>>Whoever this guy was, he didn't know the first thing about fighting. He lunged at Derek, and raised the
>pipe high over his head to strike.

Amaris: (Man) HIDA SMASH! <Another Rokugan reference>

>Derek grabbed the pipe arm at the wrist, tucked under, and added his own considerable force to the man's
>forward momentum. The result was this: the pipe-wielder not only had his feet picked up off the ground,
>but his entire body as well. The direction of his charge, combined with Derek's throw, landed him right
>into the side of the bar. He slid down the wall, and crumpled into a heap on the ground.

Aaron: Yay! Judo action!
Aleksandr: FINISH HIM. <Mortal Kombat…>

>
>The last two men, and Iskander herself noticed Derek's presence at this point,

Aleksandr: (Iskander) Oh, it’s you freebirth. Bother off, surat pup.

>and the two men started feeling a lot less confident about their odds of winning this fight. As such, they >both looked at each other, and sprinted for the nearest exit.
>
>Derek turned to face Iskander, and made a deep, formal bow.

Amaris: While making the bow, he failed to notice her knee smashing into his gut, doubling him over wherein she then started to beat about the legs, knees, arms and head. <More Voltaire>

>She merely regarded him with cold steel-gray eyes. ?his fight was mine!? she spat at him.

Aaron: Woohoo! Loogie time!
(All spit at the screen)

>?ou had no right to interfere with my duel!? Having expected that sort of reaction, he showed no surprise
>at all.

Aaron: Ah yes, because he’s a godboy see?

>
>?uel? I always thought a duel was between two people.

Aleksandr: Nah, that’s an old concept. The new concept is no-hold-barred fighting.
Aaron: Really?
Aleksandr: (Leans back and stretches his arms behind him) Yep, that’s what we do in the Clans.

>?BR> ?hat is irrelevant.

Amaris: (Iskander) For I am Eight of Nine of the Borg. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
Aleksandr: Don’t you mean ‘Marsupillimated’? <Nah, asslaminated is more like it.>

>They started this fight, and I had every intention of finishing it.?BR> ?he street is hardly a place to >uphold the honors and etiquette of fighting. They were using superior numbers to beat you, not skill.
>Therefore, I thought that I might even the odds a little bit.

Aaron: But you said so yourself godboy, no skill. She could have easily taken them on with her ‘mighty Clanner skillz’ right?

>
>Her gaze softened a little bit, and she raised herself fully upright. Iskander then returned the bow, and >straightened back up. Derek had answered (having read the finer points of Clan structure and society) in
>a manner to keep her honor intact.

Aleksandr: (Horrible Japanese Accent) You have dishonored yourself! Hara-kiri! Now! <Go figure.>

>
>?hank you, warrior. Might I have your name??BR> Derek smiled. ?'m Lieutenant Derek Newland. I

Amaris: (Derek) ...wanna bone ya!
Aleksandr: Amaris...

>actually own a small mercenary company.? He noted her look of disgust when he stated that, but she said
>nothing. ?mm.. it's actually very small, I'm the only member of it.

Aaron: (Derek) Well, that was because of this friendly fire incident, heh, heh.

>I'm looking for more people, if you're interested.?BR>
>Iskander again regarded him with cold eyes, however Derek could see that she was clearly debating the
>idea in her mind.

Aaron: (Takes out a checklist) Mind reading powers, another godboy talent.
Aleksandr: Where’d you get that checklist?
Aaron: Shhh, it’s a secret. <The Simpsons, the Stonecutters>

>?efore you think about it too hard, I think we should probably make ourselves scarce.? Upon seeing her
>confusion, he added ?aw enforcement types don't take kindly to fights, though this wasn't our doing.?BR>
>She nodded, surveyed her handiwork along with Derek's, and managed a small smile.

Amaris: Ooo, how nice! Some delicate lace doilies! I’ve always wanted one of these!
Aleksandr and Aaron: (Look at him) Riiiight...

>?lright then Derek, lead, and I shall follow.? They both climbed into Derek's hovercar, and left for the >'mech bays.
>

>==============================5=================================

Aleksandr: (Bored) And this is Interstate 5...
Aaron and Amaris: o/~Dashing through the snow, in a five horse open sleigh o/~

>
>Contrary to what's shown in the holovids, most dropships don't have living quarters with portholes >showing what's outside of them. The reason is simple: to prevent the loss of life.

Aleksandr: Yep, cause you never know when someone think’s a porthole is actually a washing machine. One batch of dirty clothes and the ship’s a goner!

>If the dropship was attacked while most of the crew was sleeping, it would be a simple matter to take >most of them out.

Aaron: Not really. The armor plating on combat and civilian DropShips are more than strong enough to withstand at least one naval volley. *And* civilian DropShips have massive windows out into space. Hasn’t this guy read Flashpoint?
Amaris: (getting back into his seat) At this point I think our author’s pulling stuff out of his ass.
Aleksandr: That poor, poor donkey.

>Corridors are actually what contain portholes,

Aaron: Whoop, whoop, whoop!
Amaris; And just what the hell is that?
Aaron: Bad grammar alert.

>the rest of the ship 'simulates' the passage of time by lighting. Normal lighting for day, red lights in most >areas for night.

Aaron: And what color light pray tell for emergencies?

>
>Derek found himself waking to red lighting, which meant that it was still dark outside. When planetside, >the dropship used light sensors to determine what the inside lighting should be.

Amaris: And when in space, they used a captive monkey.

>He looked around the quarters he was sleeping in, and at the man who was still sleeping in the bunk >below him.

Amaris: Derek, what did I say about having relations with strange white men again?

>He shrugged on a shirt and light jacket,

Aaron: (Derek) Screw wearing pants! I’m rich! <Yu-Gi-Oh The Abridged Series reference>

>and walked out the door and down the hall that would lead to where Iskander was sleeping. With a peak >at his chronometer, he saw the time to be 0556, right around his normal waking time.
>
>After the ?nworthy skirmish?- as Iskander called it ?the night before, they had brought the pilot of the >downed Centurion inside. The poor man seemed more like a boy, barely of legal age to be piloting a >'mech, much less fighting for someone.

Aaron: There’s a legal age for fighting?

>They gave him some MREs, and allowed him rest.

Aleksandr: (Derek) But no sleeping! I catch you sleeping and I’ll keelhaul you!
Amaris: Isn’t keelhauling-?
Aaron: Best if you don’t ask.

>To Derek's surprise, Iskander took an almost motherly role with the boy, bringing him food, blankets, >and making sure he got rest.

Aaron: (Iskander) Did you remember to wash behind your ears dear? Don’t forget your lunch, and wake up on time so you don’t miss the bus.

>He assumed that was the way she showed respect towards a defeated opponent.

Aleksandr: We who are about to have our asses handed to us would like to be mollycoddled afterward.

>
>Iskander had left Derek to bring both 'mechs, along with the downed Centurion, into the bays of the >Leopard.

Amaris: Alone? Sheesh, Clanner women are harsh...
Katyusha: (Over the PA) I heard that!
Amaris: What? What do you- (Sound of crackling electricity) AGGGH! Okay, I’ll be good...

>He then sealed the ship up,

Aaron: *Zip*

>and ?with Iskander's help ?warmed, then started, the ship's fusion reactor. The gentle thrumming was >heard throughout every level of the ship, a sound which both Derek and Iskander found soothing.

Aaron: Fusion reactors are supposed to be shielded so nothing bad happens. This shielding is supposed to keep most of that thrumming noise out, so...
All: Run for cover!

>
>Derek knocked softly on the door to Iskander's quarters. He was not surprised to have the door opened >no less than fifteen seconds later. ?ornin'.? He croaked, never having liked getting up early.

Aaron: So why get up early, dummy?

>
>?ood morning, lieutenant.? She said.

All: Helloooo, nurse! <Animaniacs reference>

>?ust call me Derek.

Aleksandr: (Derek) Yeah, because you know, I’m not actually part of *any* military with ranks?

>Though I'm your commander, I think I'd rather you viewed us as equals, ok?

Aleksandr: Okay, equals. Circle of Equals, right here and now Derek you freebirth scumling!

>?BR> ?ff... Lieutenant.? She said with a small grin on her face.
>
>Derek just stared at her. ?as that.. humor?

Amaris: No, that’s my knife sticking into your chest.

>What an odd Clanswoman you are indeed.?BR>
>?es. I suppose you might call that one of my lesser traits. But I refuse to change for anyone, so I suggest >you get used to it.?BR>

Amaris: But what about thirty more dollars? Eh? Eh?
(Aleksandr clubs him again with a seat.)

>She expected a sharp retort, or some sort of insulting remark. The last thing she expected was what >Derek did. He

Aaron: ...Pulled a giant schwanz from the inside of his jacket.
Amaris: Hey, why does he get to do that and I can’t Kerensky?
Aleksandr: Because he words it better. <MST3K reference>

>laughed. Not a slight chuckle, nor a snort through his nose. This was a loud sound of genuine amusement.

Aleksandr: (Deep voice) Hur hur hur.
Aaron: Gner gner gner <Discworld reference>
Amaris: (Shakes head) You two...

>
>?hat is so funny?? She asked pointedly, crossing her arms.

Aleksandr: (Derek) Your *heehee* your fly is (Breaks out into uncontrollable laughter and falls off his chair. He climbs back a few seconds later) Whoo, fun!

>Derek wiped tears from the corners of his eyes. ? suppose you might call it refreshing to listen to >someone else's jokes, rather than listen to my own when I talk to myself.? She regarded him strangely.

Aaron: (Iskander, to self) Weirdo...

>?ou.. talk to yourself?

Aaron: (Iskander, to self) Yep, definitely a weirdo... <Sorry, Weirdo…>

>?BR> ?here's an old saying. Something along the lines of 'talking to myself is the most intelligent >conversation I've had all day'

Aaron: Yeah, well you’re the exception to that rule.

>.?BR> ? see.? She said, but the puzzled look on her face clearly said that she didn't.

Amaris: (Iskander) DUHHH, Me stupid Clanswoman, no understand concept.

>?ever mind. I'll explain it to you some other time. May I come in?

Aleksandr: (Harry Dresden) Why don’t you come in... <Go figure.>

>?BR> ?ertainly.? She said, opening the door the rest of the way.
>?hank you.?BR>
>He walked in and sat down on the locker sitting on the floor across from her bunk.

All: (Imitate sound of creaking metal.)

>She went and sat on the bunk, facing him with a bemused expression.
>
>? am curious still, Lieutenant, where did the money for all this come from?

Aaron: And where’d the rank come from? And what’s a commissioned officer doing starting up a mercenary company? And why do we have belly buttons? And why isn’t the Moon made of Swiss cheese? And-(Amaris clubs him with a seat) Thanks buddy, I needed that.
Amaris: Any time Aaron, any time.

>?BR> Derek openly sighed. ?t's a long story.?BR> ? am not going anywhere. After all, this is your >ship.?BR> He sighed again. ?lright, you win.? He said, shifting around on the metal locker.

All: (Imitate sound of severely strained metal.)

>
>?ou see, I lived on a planet very close to the Periphery. There really wasn't much going on there, even >when the Clan invasion was in full swing.

Aleksandr: (Southern accent) Boy, nothing happenin’ around here huh?
Amaris: (Southern accent) There sure ain’t...
Aleksandr: (Southern accent) Didn’t them Clanners pass by recently?
Amaris: (Southern accent) They sure did... <I don’t freaking know!>

>During the Truce of Tukayyid, me and my brother found a mostly broken Commando in the woods

Aaron: *Roll roll roll* It was missing it’s right leg... *Roll roll roll* It’s left leg... *Roll roll roll* And it’s center torso. (Aaron starts laughing.) Huh, funny that...

>out behind our house, where a battle had taken place a few years back. Though it was more spare parts >than anything, the fusion reactor shielding was still intact,

Amaris: But the actual reactor was missing...
Aaron: (Continues laughing.)

>as was the internal structure, and all of the >components except the weapons.

Aleksandr: That’s not *mostly broken*... That’s called put up on the blocks and stripped.

>
>?fter a bit of jury-rigging, and good deal of 100 kilometer-per-hour tape,

Amaris: Can I ask just what the hell that’s supposed to be?
Aleksandr: Haven’t a clue there.
Aaron: Me neither. <Apparently another name for duct tape. Go figure.>

>we had it mostly functional.

Aleksandr: (Derek) Admittedly it had this glitch where it just kept going “Kill, Crush, Destroy” and it was still missing its legs. <Not really sure...>

>After that, we'd take turns piloting it.

Aleksandr: And we’ll overlook the issues of piloting an unattuned ‘Mech without any safety equipment. I wonder where the previous pilot had gone...
Amaris: (Derek’s brother) My turn! It’s my turn now- *Squish*
Aaron: (Derek) Okay, so I hogged the ‘Mech and stepped on my brother whenever he complained.

>We found on accident one day, that the laser mounted in the arm still worked,

Aaron: I thought you said that the weapons were completely missing.
(There is a muffled thump in the background)

>though the focusing lens was missing, so it did little more than give you tan, or if you had something >within a meter of the barrel, it would melt it. Even so, we took a lens we had laying around the house, >crafted by hand, and put it in the barrel, so we could melt things at a range of fifty meters.

Aleksandr: Yep, wonders a magnifying glass can do there...

>
>?early every day, we'd take it out to some gravel pits near our house for target practice.

Aleksandr: (Derek) Screw school, I’ve got a ‘Mech! <Another Yu-Gi-Oh The Abridged Series reference>

>We'd take turns, one cheering from the ground over the radio, and giving targeting adjustments,

Aaron: (Derek’s brother) More to the right there...
Aleksandr: (Derek) Like this?
Aaron: (Derek’s brother) No, that too close to me! AIEEE!
Amaris: (chuckles) That’ll leave a scar.

>while the other would burst ?nemies?into flames. Finally, we had saved up enough money for a rebuild >kit for the laser,

Aaron: Where from?

>to turn it into an extended range model,

Aleksandr: Ah, very special Star League secret. Use more magnifying lenses!
Aaron: (Laughs)

>some equipment to rework the targeting computer,

Aaron: I repeat, where?

>and some stuff to repair internal mountings that had been sheared away.

Aaron: Need I repeat myself?

>
>?hat day, I went to the target field on my own. I was amazed at the accuracy that the Commando had >now.

Amaris: (Derek) I could actually hit the side of a barn!

>From five hundred meters, I was able to vaporize anything.

All: (Imitate laser and buzzing noises and then sounds of screaming people)

>After an hour or so, I started heading home. When I was within two kilometers, I noticed smoke rising >from the area where our house was. Despite the somewhat rough shape the gyroscope was in, I pushed >the throttle to the limit, which we had always been afraid to do.

Aleksandr: (Derek) And then the throttle fell off, followed by the gyro, and the engine. By that time I figured I was screwed.

>
>?hen I got there several minutes later, most of our house had been burnt down,

Aaron: Don’t screw with the Star League Revenue Service or we’ll find you and burn your house down.

>and I saw armored troops loading my family on to a small dropshuttle.

Amaris: Ah, yet another family becomes a demonstration to why it’s a good idea to pay your taxes.

>The logo was
Aaron: ...of the Star League Revenue Service.

>one of the bandit kingdoms,

Aaron: (Shrugs) Ehhhh, next best thing.

>and they had apparently come to our planet on a slave run.

Amaris: (Slavers) o/~ Kill all the men, rape all the women, sell all the children into slaver-eee!o/~ <Reference to ‘Pyramid Scheme’ by Eric Flint and David Freer>

>I don't remember bringing the laser online, or finding them in the crosshairs.

Aaron: Shoddy machine work if you can target your own weapons.
Aleksandr: Pikers.

>All I remember is running, and firing at anything I could hit.

Aaron: Read: Nada, Zero, Zippo, Nunca, Cero, Nothing. <Some commercial I saw>

>
>? laid waste to an entire platoon of troops, killing as many as I could in rage.

Aleksandr: Why fire? Why didn’t he just take a really big step?

>Then they brought out the SRM launchers.

Aleksandr: (Derek) Thankfully they forgot to load the launchers.

>I heard the warning of incoming missiles,

Aaron: (Computer) Hey boss! Just tellin’ ya you have a forty missiles headed your direction! I’d advise putting your head between your legs and kiss your butt goodbye!

>but there wasn't anything I could do except brace myself in the cockpit. They slammed right into the base >of the cockpit,

Aleksandr: Why he didn’t die we’ll never know.
Aaron: Davion.
Lord Davion: (Over PA) What?
Aaron: (Hurriedly) Nothing, nothing, sir.

>and also into the reactor.

Aaron: (Under breath) Fiat abusing no-good Davionista Feddie half-blood...

>I got an overload warning, and punched the ejection button, praying it worked.

Aleksandr: (Derek) It worked, kind of. The top of the cockpit came off and pink confetti started spraying all over the place. We really should have invested more into the ‘Mech. <Before there was the Grunt Birthday Party Skull.>

>
>?urprisingly enough, it did. I went sailing over the tree-tops, and watched the Commando, along with my >chances of saving my family, explode.

Amaris: Hey, look on the bright side kid, your reactor blew and probably took out the invaders and their DropShuttle.
Aaron: What about Derek’s family?
Amaris: (Waves hands dismissively) Minor detail, minor details, mere semantics...

>Later, when I found my way back, the shuttle was gone. There was only a smoking wreckage of the >Commando, and our house.

Aaron: (Derek) There was a small business card in the midst of the carnage. It read, ‘Star League Revenue Service- If you don’t want a repeat of this, remember to pay up on time.’
Amaris: Y’know, the SLRS is starting to sound like an organized crime syndicate...
Aleksandr: Shhhh...

>I sat in between the feet of the 'mech, crying for the longest time. Finally, I pulled myself together, and >went digging around the remains of our house for anything of value.

Aleksandr: When all else fails, resort to looting a burned down house! Way to go Derek! Bravo!

>
>?fter an hour, I looked at where the Commando's feet remained, and noticed the gleam of metal.

Amaris: Hmmm, ‘Aias Mark II Anti-‘Mech Mine. Do Not Tamper.’ It’s probably harmless...
Aleksandr: (Laughs)

>I walked closer, and saw what looked like an entire metal panel. I started brushing off what I could, and >found an access panel, still operational and under power. I entered what codes I could think of to try to >get it to open.

Aaron: (Star League technician) Hee hee, the password’s ‘password’! Nobody will get it!
Aleksandr: (Derek) Swordfish, nope. Grandslam, nope. 123ABC, nope. ABC123, nope. Iamagenius, nope. Bionicman, nope. Chameleon, nope. Flatlanderwoman, nope. Knightslayer, nope. Littlerobot, nope. I’m running out of ideas... <James Bond and Deus Ex references>

>No luck. In a fit of anger, I punched it, and heard a deep rumple.

Amaris: A rumple? Wow he’s strong...
Aaron: (Derek) That sound was the sound of my knuckles fracturing against well made Star League technology. Note to self, don’t punch Star League stuff.

>A split appeared in the earth, and widened, showing an access way deep underground. Cautiously, I >followed it.

All: (Start humming the Indiana Jones theme.) <Go figure.>

>
>?s I made my way deeper, and light started to fade, lights in the corridor started coming on as I went past >them. Finally I came to a large opening, and doors so large they looked like they belonged to a 'mech >bay.

Aleksandr: Gee, now *that’s* foreshadowing!

>I looked around for an access panel like the one I had found on the surface, and only located a simple >button, about the size of my hand, and lit green. I did the only thing I could think of ?I punched it.

Amaris: *Crunch* (Derek) Why do I have such short memory? Oh the pain...

>
>? heard another rumble, louder this time, and coming from straight in front of me. The doors started to >open. In my stupor, I could only stare at them. They slowly split, revealing an ancient 'mech repair bay. I >walked in, and looked around. As I walked towards the center, spotlights came on, and lit up one of the >oldest things in existence; The first BattleMech ever made, a Mackie.

Aaron: Surely not as old as the Mackdaddy?
Aleksandr: Yes, it’s as old as the Mackdaddy.

>
>? climbed the chain-link ladder to the cockpit and opened the hatch. Inside sat one of the most prized >possessions any ?even Clan ?MechWarrior could want.

Amaris: Aleksandr Kerensky’s desiccated corpse.
Aleksandr: Hey!

>A mint-condition Star League Defense Force neurohelmet.

Aaron: So mint-condition that it still had a Star League Defense Force MechWarrior still attached to it.

>I sat in the cockpit in awe, and just stared at my surroundings. Eventually, I grew tired, and fell asleep. A >'mech cockpit has pretty much been the only place I could sleep ever since.

Amaris: Boy this kid gets over the loss of his family pretty quickly...
Aleksandr: (Derek) Everywhere else I wake up screaming ‘Rosebud!’ for some reason. <Citizen Kane. Go figure.>

>
>?hen I woke, I found the access codes to open the bay's surface doors.

Amaris: Gee that’s convenient...

>I powered up the Mackie, and took it outside. Looking at the readouts, the PPC and autocannon read >fully functional. It even had a full ammo load.

Aaron: Unfortunately when antique ammo is stored in antique weapons, only bad things can happen. <Reference to the Darwin Awards>

>Curious, I fired the PPC at one of the Commando's leftover feet.

Aleksandr: he makes it sound as though the Commando’s got about six feet or something.

>The bolt of lightning melted what was left of it to slag. I made this?he pulled a 'mech charm ?a piece of >melted metal, usually taken from the first 'mech you ever had shot out from under you

Aaron: Strictly speaking, no. I made mine from the melted armor of my enemies.

>?out from under his shirt. ?rom it. The rest is kind of boring. I kept the neurohelmet, and sold the Mackie >to a museum.

Amaris: And given the time frame when this is taking place, the Houses probably broke the museum open and tried to add the Mackie to their own forces.

>That was about six years ago, and I've basically been on the move ever since.

Aaron: (Derek) Staying one step ahead of the SLRS...

>
>?bout three years ago, while working as a technician's apprentice,

Amaris: Still doesn’t explain the commission.

>I found my Devastator. It was termed ?attlefield salvage? but I saw a bright future in it. It was nearly >complete,

Aleksandr: Just missing the legs and cockpit. No biggie for god-boy over here.

>except that it had almost no armor left on it, and it had no weapons. In my spare time, and through >salvage, I obtained the PPCs, and half-functional Clan gauss rifles that are now in it.

Aaron: Aleks, isn’t it illegal for a technician to take salvaged equipment from storage for personal purposes?
Aleksandr: Yes it is. MPs? Arrest this man! <Comrade Beria, shoot this imposter!>

>I rebuilt them both by hand, and added a capacitor bank to the PPCs. It has more armor than the standard >model, and the SLDF neurohelmet in the cockpit as well.

All: Munch ‘Mech.

>Shortly after, I started this unit, quit my job, and hitched a ride to Solaris VII. The rest is, as they say, history. Now you find me where I am today.?BR>

Amaris: (Derek) Destitute and trying to create a mercenary company.

>Iskander said nothing for the longest time. For a full minute, she simply stared straight into Derek's eyes, >as if searching for something.

Aleksandr: The spark of demi-godhood?
Amaris: Intelligence?

>Then she asked ?hy did you not wish to tell me this??BR> ? suppose I thought you'd find my history >lacking. Besides when I shot up those troops, I have no actual combat experience.?BR> ?t is not just >combat that makes the warrior. A true warrior always seeks a better understanding of his or herself, along >with what they fight with. You have shown true mastery of a BattleMech. Technical knowledge, along >with persistence, patience, and eagerness.

Aaron: Not to mention an intelligence that barely overshadows a rock.

>Though most of my kind would scoff at such a history,

All: Scoff!

>I see it as nothing but honorable.?

Amaris: And she’s a Jag? Why is she still alive?

>
>She stood up at this point. Derek did also. ? will be honored to serve under you, and beside you,

Amaris: (Iskander) Not to mention underneath you too... Heh heh heh...
Aleksandr: Amaris...

>for now and forever.?

Aleksandr and Aaron: (Deep voices) o/~And he shall reign for ever and ever...o/~ <Lyrics from Hallelujah>

>She bowed, and extended her hand.

Aaron: That’s not Iskander, that’s Mr. Fantastic!

>Derek shook it whole-heartedly. With some tears in his eyes,

Amaris: Crocodile tears right there. Where’s the emotion behind it?

>he returned the bow, slightly deeper than hers had been.

Aaron: *Punt* Heh, heh, heh, serves him right if he bows like that in front of me.
Aleksandr: Say, when did Clanners bow anyway?
(There’s another muffled thump, closer this time.)
Amaris: hey did anyone hear that?
Aleksandr: What?
(Another thump, even closer. Then a final crunch noise, the camera zooms in on the blue wombat that just broke its way into the theater..) <Go figure.>
Amaris: What the heck is that? And how can we see it from our seats at the front of the theater?
Katyusha: (Over PA) Sorry guys, I don’t know how that thing got in there. I’m sending Nicholas to pick it up.
(Meanwhile, Wombat has waddled over and curled up in Amaris’s lap and looks up at him.)
Amaris: Urk.

>Then he sat back down, and used his jacket sleeve to wipe his eyes dry.

Amaris: (Trying to shove Wombat off.)We’ve just lined the sleeve of Derek’s sleeve with O-Chlorobenzylidene Malononitrile, let’s see if he notices the difference. <CS gas>
Aaron: (Derek) My eyes!

>He cleared his throat before asking ?hat about yourself? I've never heard of a Clan defector, how did you >get here?

Aleksandr: I was kidnapped by a cabal of Successor Lords and locked here.
Aaron: So was I.
Amaris: Me too!

>?BR>
>Anger blazed in her eyes at the word 'defector', but it was quickly quelled. ?y story is much the story of >an average Clansperson. I was brought up in my sibko2

Aleksandr: Sibko 2.0, with a higher success rate than Sibko 1.0. Order yours today!

>with many other trueborn warriors.

Amaris: Oh golly, and here I thought sibkos were for freebirths only.
Aleksandr: Actually some of them are, but they start at a much older age.
Amaris: Shut up, you’re ruining my moment.

>I was often the better of my peers in simulators, and in hand-to-hand combat.

Amaris: (Iskander) But according to my peers I was lousy in the sack.
Aleksandr: Amaris...

>When I was finally assigned a 'mech, I opted for a Timber Wolf,

Aaron: Not to disrupt this entire ‘Mech porn thing, but isn’t being *assigned* a ‘Mech different from *choosing* one? No need to worry on my part, just commenting.

>the one know to your people as a Mad Cat.

Aleksandr: We do? Odd, I call it Clan munchiness at its best.

>
>?nlike my peers, I sought to fully understand my 'mech, and often assisted my technician with repairs.

Aleksandr: yes, repairs... Heh, heh, heh...
Aaron: (Cues the porno jazz)

>My peers and superiors both viewed this as unClan-like,

All: (Chanting) Chalcas, chalcas, chalcas!

>which I suppose it was, and requested that I 'resume my duties as a warrior, not as a member of the >technician caste'.

Amaris: In short, stop boffing the technicians, they’re becoming more inefficient.
>Undaunted, I continued to work on my 'mech with my tech, and fully learned how it functioned. Though >I was the target of many insults and honor-duels, my piloting and gunnery skill was unmatched by all.

Aleksandr: I think someone put some of my DNA into her vat...
Amaris: Egotist...

>
>?nstead of prove myself to those around me, it seemed to make me a better target.

Aaron: No honey, that’s because someone tattooed a red bull’s-eye on your forehead.

>I was accused several times of 'cheating' during combat contests.

Aleksandr: They’re called Trials, toots.

>Though there was never any proof of such, no one ever sided with me.

All: o/~...I need no sympathy, easy come, easy go, little high, little low, anywhere the wind blows, nothin really matters to me... o/~ <Go figure.>

>Finally, during the battle for a Bloodname, which I rightly should have won, the trial was called to a halt >in the middle of it.

Aaron: (Iskander) I stopped on a dime. Unfortunately that dime was in Mr. Rococo’s pocket... <Firesign Theater reference>
Aleksandr: A cookie for whoever gets that.

>I was brought up in front of the Grand Council,

Aleksandr: Kurultai! Kurultai! Kurultai!
Amaris: (Shakes head)
Aaron: Shouldn’t she have been sent before a Clan Council rather than the Grand Council? I mean I’m sure she didn’t accidentally fire on and destroy the master genetic repositories or anything...

>charged with treachery, and dispelled.

Amaris: The sentence? Immediate deresolution. <Tron. Go figure.>
Aaron: (Tron program) Nooo!

>
>?s a 'parting gift', they gave me something which you have not seen yet. It was a Kage battle armor suit, >experimental,

Aleksandr: (Iskander) So experimental that the arms fall off every time I activate it! <Sluggy Freelance>

>taken as isorla3

Aaron: Remember to upgrade your Sibko 2.0 with the Isorla3 patch update.

>from a conquest within the Draconis Combine.

Amaris: Yeah I can imagine a ‘conquest.’ (Omi Kurita) Ravish me! Ravish me!
Aaron: *Snicker* You know she’s dead right?
Amaris: Nope, still in denial.

>I was then shipped to a planet directly off the Smoke Jaguar invasion corridor, and left to fend for my >own.

Aleksandr: Oh yes, the Jags will dump a perfectly suitable warrior onto a planet with a prized piece of technology... That certainly makes sense to me right there.

>That was about three years ago. Though I had plans of redeeming myself in front of my Clan, those plans >were quickly crushed when Prince Victor lead his army and destroyed Clan Smoke Jaguar.

Aaron: The timeline here doesn’t even make sense now.

>
>?ith no place to go, I made my way through all the gaming planets, until I got to Solaris VII.

Aleksandr: Isn’t Solaris VII the *only*gaming planet? I suppose that’d be why we call it *The* Gaming Planet.

>By the time I had reached here, I had obtained mastery of the Kage suit, including the active camouflage >function. I won many matches before taking the 'mech of my latest opponent, a ?e-seen?Phoenix Hawk.

Amaris: Great, he defaulting into fanboy terms. And I don’t see a Kage suit taking on a Phoenix Hawk and winning, they ain’t Elemental suits you know...

>
>?he weapons were un-repairable, so I looked around on this... Black Market.

Aaron: We prefer the term Gray Market, it gives us more of an air of good repute.

>I found some Clan weapons that would easily replace those it was intended to have.

Aleksandr: On the Market? Shyeah right.

>I too increased the armor amount past the typical load. Also, I labored to bring the sensor suite up to >Clan levels.

Amaris: It can measure a gnat’s *Mrph*!
Aleksandr: I’ll let you go when you promise not to make comments like that again, there are kids reading this you know... (Amaris nods, and ALeksandr lets go of his mouth.) Thank you.

>Doing so cost a lot of extra weight, so I purchased a 'light' engine to install in place of the normal reactor.

Aaron: And how many Lyrans did you have to suck up to so you could get that piece of tech? <Funnier now.>

>I have been here ever since, and that was about a year ago.?BR>

Amaris: Uh-huh. Yeah. And how much money is needed to go independent?
>Derek was silent for a while too. After a few minutes, he said ?ell, I guess we understand a lot more >about each other.

Aleksandr: (Iskander) Actually I’ve been lying. I’m a Xolaran girl who mugged a lost Clanner for his ‘Mech.

>?BR> ?es, I suppose we do.?
>
>As soon as she finished her sentence, the red light on the far bulkhead turned off.

Amaris: I think that means the bomb has just gone off.
Aaron: (Imitates the sound of an explosion and screaming people.)

>Derek glanced at his chronometer, which read 0645.

Aleksandr: Oddly enough, the numbers were slowly flaking off. Someone hadn’t done a good job painting them on.

>
>?t is time for 'chow', quiaff?? Iskander inquired.

Aleksandr: No, it’s Miller time! <Sorry, not you, Cray>

>?eah, I guess we better see how.. er.. what's-his-name is doing.?BR>

Aaron: You mean what’s his face?
Amaris: No, I mean what’s the name.
Aleksandr: No, no, no. You’re think of how does it go. It quite easy to confuse him with the others.